bio

This will be a post about things I have to stop doing and things I have to start doing.

First: I have to stop having so many "haves."

Second: I forget what the second thing was. Moving on.

I have to stop thinking everyone around me is an idiot. I should point out that I do not believe my pals and immediate family are idiots. Nor do I believe the children I work with are idiots. I mean, some of the kids are idiots, but in highly lovable ways. I am speaking of the strangers I see and the local residents I unfortunately encounter. I shouldn't say "unfortunately." And I didn't say it -- I typed it. My sour attitude towards these non-idiot idiots can be attributed to my lingering feelings of self-hatred. Self-dislike, I suppose. This insecurity is too much to keep inside, so I dispel some of the negative energy onto others. Ugh... SORRY. Another reason for the sourpussiness (?!) is constantly feeling like an outsider in a culture that don't jive with my soul, man. "Fighting back" (through sourpussy thoughts and whatnot) is a defense mechanism, albeit a poor one.

So I have to stop being an idiot. Yep, I'm the idiot, not others. (But I am learning to love the idiot I am! Should I also not refer to myself as an idiot? Perhaps, perhaps.) There's that old saying about hot coals... What is it... Anger is like a box of hot coals. You never know if it is chocolate or coal. Hold on, that's not it. This is it: "Holding on to anger is like grasping a hot coal with the intent of throwing it at someone else; you are the one who gets burned." YOU TELL 'EM (me), BUDDHA!!!

I have to start studying biology more. I began reading Edward O. Wilson's The Meaning of Human Existence last night and, well, I am 70 pages into it and all I've really grasped onto is that kittens play with string. I am not even sure that "fact" was in the book. Those 70 pages are a bit of blur, which is a bit frustrating to my ego. I thought I was soooo smart until I remembered how difficult biology was for me in college. (Of course, I still ended up with an A-. Whoops! There's my beautiful, stunning, incredible ego again! Wakka wakka!)

I have to stop writing about what I have to stop doing. For psychological reasons. I think the word "stop" is stopping me from feeling good feelings. Although "stop" in the sense that stopping and BEING IN THE MOMENT, (WO)MAN is a good thing. Or what I would consider, right now, to be a good thing. Good! Bad! Stop! Go! Dualistic thinking has gotten me everywhere. Psych! Backwards Day! Black and white thinking gives me a headache and only further complicates my day-to-day life. Day-to-day. Day today. Today is the day where you will finally try brushing your teeth with wasabi paste. Trust me, it is a wise decision. Also, never trust me. Also, sometimes trust me because you have to stop saying never say never. Never stop believing. Never stop riding the highway of life. Never stop at a diner and order the fish dinner with mystery sauce. Order the eggs. Stay safe. Brush your teeth with whatever paste you prefer. You are perfect.

Well, I've kind of given up on this post. I fizzled out, so to speak. Time for me to feel like an idiot while I read about kin selection and genetic evolution and kittens playing with string or whatever the fuck. The fudge. Oh so sorry for the unladylike language. :( :( :( JK. Language is a social construct. It evolved from gesture. We are all animals. We are all an interesting mix of idiocy and ingenuity. And isn't it beautiful?