author(ity)

Strange how giving up control can be such an empowering act. One would assume that the lack of control would lead to defeat, to weakness. But the funny thing about control is that it doesn't exist. No one can ever be in total control all of the time. And the more we ignore this fact, the more we fight against what is, the harder we fall.

I would fall a lot. Time and time again, it was proven to me that the control I thought I had was actually controlling me. The control I so depended on to get me through the day was, in fact, killing me. But I was (am) stubborn. I refused to see what was going on. I tried to keep the illusion alive that I had my shit together. I wanted to be everything to everyone. And I was, but at the expense of my own needs and desires. To be honest, I didn't even know what my own needs and desires were.

I am not sure I know what they are right now, either. But I am beginning to figure it out. I am figuring it out because I've chosen to accept that I cannot change certain things that have happened, I cannot control pretty much anything, and I cannot keep living life like a zombie. It just doesn't make sense. It is a waste. It is, frankly, boring.

And so I ate today. I ate a lot. At a restaurant. I ate a lot at a restaurant without throwing up or running or becoming a bitchy grump. I ate with a bit of panic before, during, and after, but that's okay. I ate what I wanted. I ate and put on my scientist lab coat -- did I like what I had? Would I order it again? How did it make me feel? What other flavors would I add to/take away from it? Investigating my emotions has been far, far more helpful than running away from them.

I am not Superwoman, though. I am not even Batgirl. I don't have a cape or special powers and I definitely don't have a sexy leather jumpsuit. Unfortunately. I am still struggling. I want to maintain this more... Balanced attitude. Dare I say it's a cheery attitude? I dare. It is this balanced, cheerful outlook which freaks me out because I usually freak out. Over everything. And I'm not. What has gotten into me? I guess food. Food has gotten into me and it has hit the brain switch to on. Maybe there's something to this whole fuel thing. Maybe it's kinda sorta totally necessary to keep us going.

Will you help keep me going? Will you encourage me and give me helpful advice? What steps should I take next? I am thinking of starting a personal journal where I write down my scientific findings. I will make notes on how I felt and what I did with those feelings. I will document meals and situations and things that trigger as well as things that soothe. I will also keep eating. Because because because... Because I want to.

I guess there is one thing we can control. We can control how we react.

I am choosing to be okay tonight.