someday we'll meet beyond the time and the bars

My Senior Seminar class sure went out with a bang. Literally. We lit fireworks in the LA building and someone threw a roman candle through my eye. Oh, this didn't really happen. But Senior Seminar DID go out with a bang--a FIGURATIVE bang.

There's nothing like other people's successes to help highlight all of your failures.

People are moving on. Going to grad schools here, there, and abroad. Everyone looks pretty and chirpily builds up get-togethers I am not invited to and secrets I am not in on. And then there's that kid who is completely clueless and he brings up her name with such torturous enthusiasm. Do I know her? Yes, in fact, I DO know her. Imagine that. Small world.

And I guess that's the thing--it is a small world. We may take off with such momentum in a moment's time, each of us in different directions. But we'll all end up back together again in the end, in the ground, the world heavily sighing at the limited space.

feminine frosting

I don't think these cupcakes are embarrassing or funny or even necessarily erotic.

I just think they are really beautiful.

So... anyone willing to bake me vegan vagina cupcakes for my birthday?

wearing your false mask of independence and strength

I understand that vagueness does not equal excitingness, but this post needs to be vague. So it will be boring to some of you, but possibly not to those of you who are very aware of this and that.

So here are the thises and thats.

I have a friend of a friend who knows this one person who is incredibly manipulative and borderline (if not full blown) psychotic. Granted, I do not personally know this person that is a friend of a friend, but from this person's actions and words, I am confident enough to say that this person is all of these things (and more).

Why has this person been on my mind for the past half hour? I do not know. I think this person might be like that pink elephant-- "Don't think of a pink elephant!" And then that's all you can think about. One little mention or reminder of this person and then suddenly they are on my mind. But it doesn't last too long. Nor does it keep me up at night. And instead of being slightly nervous and afraid of this person, I am beginning to feel incredibly angry and annoyed.

I want to get to the point where I feel compassion and perhaps a bit of sympathy.

But I don't know about forgiveness. I know we have been told by various men in suits to forgive, forgive, forgive. But I don't think one needs to forgive another. I don't think not forgiving is a sign of weakness or of holding a grudge. I think it's just practical. Sometimes people do things that are unforgivable, but that doesn't mean we still can't show compassion. People suffer and do things to make them happy, whether or not that means hurting other people deeply along the way.

Simple as that.

So yes, I acknowledge that this person has suffered, just like everyone else. And yes, I understand that I need to start addressing certain... things. But I rest easy in the fact that I need not forgive and that I can finally start standing up for myself.

The compassion thing... a work in progress.

I hate to limit the expression of happiness, but...

I am tired of everyone talking about it. Manners, please. Or at least let's be considerate. (A lesson I have yet to learn myself.)

i remember comets all night long

I remember a final I had a few years ago in one of my poetry classes. All we had to do was memorize a poem and recite it in front of the class. Any poem, any length. I chose a poem by Richard Brautigan (of course) and stayed up all night with a friend memorizing it and, like, talkin' 'bout life. It was a fun night (what I can remember of it), but the sleeplessness caused me to freeze in front of the class, even though I knew the poem by heart and by bone and was not nervous. My brain was snoozin'. I was so embarrassed, but I eventually snapped out of it and finished reciting the poem flawlessly... or so I like to think. Anyway, here is the poem. Read it if you can make sense of shapes and can form those shapes into sounds and words and ultimately meaning.

"Comets"

There are comets
that flash through
our mouths wearing
the grace
of oceans and galaxies.

God knows,
we try to do the best
we can.

There are comets
connected to chemicals
that telescope
down our tongues
to burn out against
the air.

I know
we do.

There are comets
that laugh at us
from behind our teeth
wearing the clothes
of fish and birds.

We try.

womyn and myrmaeds

I go through phases, especially at this time in my life. You know, try out the whole Eastern religions thing, wear tye dye, carry around a dog eared copy of Nietzsche's Beyond Good and Evil, eat tofu, etc. Well, for a year or so, I have been into whatever is placed on the bookshelf at Borders under "Women's Studies."

I'm into women.

Or rather, I'm into what makes us tick. What we've been through, what we currently go through, and what we will face in the future. How we are suppressed, oppressed, and dressed.

I made the theme of last week's V all about "real" beauty. I tried going without makeup for the sake of an article. I questioned females about their outlook on looks. I ended up confused.

I thought I would be "liberated" during the making of this issue. I thought I would welcome my bare eyes. I thought the women I held as role models would live up to my expectations; instead they were just as self-conscious as the rest of us. I thought I knew better.

But we're stuck.

We describe ourselves constantly using negative adjectives. Stupid girl. Ugly nose. Fat thighs.

We subscribe to whatever current trend is out there. And who started this trend? Does this person have some kind of a badge or a degree that makes them "official"? Even if they were official, do we have to listen?

No, we don't. We don't have to place our self worth in a new wardrobe, a perfect hairdo, or whether or not we followed our diet that day.

We can still be good people even if we are wearing a potato sack, sporting oily hair, and eating a donut. In fact, there shouldn't even be an "even." We are good people with burlap dresses, greasy manes, and jelly-filled pastries.

So here I am, sitting at the computer, pumping my fist. But not really. The sad fact is, we are hardly close to believing in our abilities. We can't imagine that underneath all of this unnecessary insecurity lies a strong woman. We will still get hung up, tied down, and spun around. We won't know where or who we are, but we'll try our damndest to find it.

It won't be found in a tube, a package, a smaller dress size, or a shopping mall window.

And as obvious and cliche as this is going to sound, it will truly be found inside. But first we need to step outside.

Best of luck, and I love you.

current realizations

*I can making beeping smoke detectors stop beeping
*Hipsters are stuck up little self-absorbed snots. I always knew this, but am finally starting to really see it.
*My eyes need to breathe.
*The Universe will always balance itself out somehow.
*Everyone needs their toes.
*Middle parts aren't necessarily right for my face.

czech it out

I think I want to add more technology to my life. So I will. I have the blog Her World is Holy to remember what I am thankful for and I have Peace and Junk to remember what inspires me.

And then there's the defunct Her Soy and Beans, which may become un-defunct in the future.

And then there's this blabfest of a sob blog.

high on life, low on morals

Do you ever get really "high on life" and idealistic for a couple of days and then suddenly become hollow and apathetic? This has been happening to me more lately. To be honest, I need something to care about again. I need a cause. Is there something wrong with this? I tend to see other people who get fanatical and radical about political, religious, social, etc. issues and think that they aren't necessarily being "honest with themselves"; that they are taking up their cause(s) in order to mask some unresolved issue within their lives. But I don't know. I think if I start having a hobby or a strong belief in something, it might keep me out of this gloomy gus gloom I've been dwelling in lately.

Or perhaps it just needs to be damn spring already.