Where's a soup kitchen when you need one? Or a service dog. Or a blind dog. Or a dog with a tiny dog wheelchair. Or a dog. Or a hug. Or a better attitude.
What I really need is the last one. The soup kitchen, the dogs, and the hug are the things that would help change my attitude. So give me all of the above. I think I need to include food and a nap in a hammock with a hottie in that list. I have never once used the word "hottie," yet here I am at the cripplingly old age of almost-31 breaking new ground.
It's not that I feel weird today. It's that I feel hella weird. I am not nearly as out of it as last night, but I am far more irritable. And it irritates me that I am irritated. I don't want to be that person. I am not that person. I am a damn sweetheart and I know that. Maybe it's my gentleness which gets me into trouble. I allow everything to build build build up inside of me. I allow myself to be quiet. I allow too much until it becomes too much and I break down. I. Am. Sick. Of. Breaking. Down.
I ask for help and then I refuse it when it is offered. I get ecstatically happy about something or someone and then out of nowhere I completely lose interest. I want more stability. I want more spontaneity. I want to know what I want. I feel unhinged and it is unsettling.
I am going to lie down. I'll let you know how it goes later. I want to be vibrant again. I want to feel whole, safe, pure.