Sunday, March 8, 2015

lotus eater

I am a sloth this morning. Except I think sloths are okay with their slothness? I don't think they know anything else. The sloth memes I see are all smiley and creepy, but creepy in a smiley and lighthearted way, you know? So I guess I am not all smiley this morning like a sloth, although I may be creepy. I may always be creepy and may I always be creepy. (I want that written on my tombstone. Remember Tombstone pizza? Do they, the powers that be, still make it? I had a legitimately nutty childhood friend whose family was somehow connected to Tombstone pizza. Apparently that meant they had a lotta money and they sure let everyone know! She ran off to London upon graduating high school and went to fashion school. She probably faked a British accent the whole time she was there. Then she returned to the States and I think resides in New York City now? Probably goes on weekend trips to the Hamptons and wears floppy designer hats? Anyway, she's awful.)

Whoa. That parenthetical tale above was kinda out of the blue and rude. "Out of the blue and rude!" I also want that written on my tombstone and on my Tombstone pizza prepared/poisoned for me by my wretched, yet fashionable, childhood pal. There will be almost a novel engraved upon the marble stone which marks my haunted grave. Beware lest you wander through the cemetery at midnight under a full moon! I will tickle the back of your neck with my dead breath and scratch your spine with my long, dirt-encrusted fingernails. oOooOOoOooooOOoooOooOooO!!!

Oh yeah, so I am kind of an unslothlike sloth this morning. Daylight Savings or whatever, right?! Am I right? Am I left? I am pretty left, if you are talking about my political views. But the older I get, the more middle I become. Middle has been a relief. Middle might sometimes be synonymous with apathetic, but I like to define it as balanced. Gotta balance my life/diet/checkbook/chakras. I know I joke often about yogis and chakras and wheatgrass, but the biggest secret OF MY LIFE is that I actually relate to and enjoy all of those things. Yes, I relate to wheatgrass.

So I am kind of like a nonsloth, wheatgrass shot this morning. I don't know if that means my heart chakra is off balance OR WHAT. Hold on, let me check. Okay, so it turns out all the chakras are off balance. They aren't even inside of me anymore. They are floating around in space dangerously close to a black hole. JK. I feel pretty good. I am just so damn tired.

Did you read this post all the way to the end? I guess you don't know because it hasn't ended yet. But if you do make it all the way through this slightly off-balanced post, you will receive a prize. And that prize is a future haunting by the future ghost version of me. And a Tombstone pizza. A haunted Tombstone pizza. "Yes, I'd like to order one spooky pizza!!!"

Hang in there. Transitions are rough. At least there's more sun (although I've come to worship the moon, at last). Hugs.

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