cone

Living with mental illnesses is a constant bummer. Well, obviously. But it's also a bummer for those around me. I feel like a real bitchy jerk asshat most of the time. Maybe I'm not. I'm definitely not to strangers. I say thank you in excess, I politely smile, I let others go in front of me in various lines. Then I come home and I am a monster! A monster with a monkey mind and a shockingly low red blood cell count. Shouldn't monsters be overflowing with erythrocytes? I feel like monsters eat a lot of raw red meat and are sipping on human blood throughout the day. You know, to stay hydrated and refreshed. Speaking of feeling, I am constantly feeling way more than I am doing. (And I seem to be "speaking of" constantly as well.) I gotta get out.

I really do have to get out. Get out of the house because the sun feels oh-so-good to my bones and brain. Get out because the sky knows what's up. Get out because my head is too wrapped up in feelings that stunt my SPIRITUAL GROWTH. (Why the caps? Why not? I think I utilize the CAPS LOCK key from time to time to wake myself up -- a sort of crossing of the other leg so my circulation doesn't get cut off.)

My days seem to be as follows: "Ugh, I'm tired. I feel weird. I probably feel weird because I'm tired. I should get more sleep. I am anxious. Ugh, I am probably anxious because I am tired and I just ate lunch. But lunch also made me feel better. But ugh, I need to get on a better schedule. Ugh, drivers, man! They are the worst! Why is the park so crowded? This is MY park. I don't want to hear kids screaming or that dumb man singing to himself. And what's the deal with pine cones? Have they always been this scary? So many pine cones. Are they actually pine cones or are they extraterrestrial creatures spying on me from their alien branches above my head? Ugh, I wish that baby would shut up."

NOOOOO. What a lousy day. Look, not all of my days are like this. I'm not some anemic monster all of the time, okay? In fact, over the past few weeks I have had more good days than bad. But I still find myself slipping into this stream of despair. And the thing is, it's a stream. It's not even that deep nor is it moving fast. I could easily just stand up and get out and dry off. But I don't and I allow myself to drown in the shallow, crystal clear water. Am I just prone to dramatics? Am I seeking attention? What essential human need am I not receiving? Something inside is empty and I keep trying to fill it up with thoughts and behaviors that are destroying me. Well, no more.

I may be overly ambitious this morning, but I am going to make today the day I switch things around. Switch my perspective, switch my attitude, switch my underwear (psych -- I am always free ballin' it). I will save the world today, dammit! Or at least attempt to make slightly positive changes. I will begin to slow down and see what needs to be done out there. Yes, I need to still attend to my own needs. Need need need. I need to remember to cut myself some slack. Big time. But I also need to step away from my cloudy thoughts and realize that, hey, there are a lot of things and people and places out there that deserve our attention, that need our time. And I want to give it to them/it. I want to volunteer and listen. I want to give and graciously receive. I want to live a life not face down in a stream, but with love flowing out of it like a stream. (Yes, that last sentence was purposely cheesy. Cheese is absolutely fine on occasion/all of the time. Don't tell the vegans.) (But seriously, a burrito without cheese is a travesty.)

I think I'll begin by reading the newspaper. This really does help. I'm, like, "Ohhhhh... Shit. So THIS is what's going on in the world. Huh. Guess those pine cone aliens aren't such a big deal anymore."

I want to help. Let me help. Let me see that sky again.