partake

Odd how eating breakfast can be a revolutionary act.

I experimented this morning. I somewhat impulsively decided, with about three minutes to spare before going into work, to eat a very quick breakfast. Sure, I would ideally like to take my time eating, but the real coooool thing is is that I ate. I never ever ever eat breakfast. It's, like, an unwritten law in the unwritten book of Meg. I don't even consider it. Immediately after consuming the avocado on toast, I panicked. Just a little. I also felt rebellious and liberated. A little. I channeled the anxiety into being super awesome for the first hour and a half of work. Like, I was so friendly and productive. I'm sure I seemed a tad hopped up, but whatevs. At least it's better than being old Gloomy Aide Meg like I was in the past.

What have been a few of the benefits of recovery so far? Well, to start off I am alive. I think that's a fairly good benefit. I had moments (one too many) during my dark periods where I was surprised I was still breathing. And I didn't really care one way or the other. I was so far removed from myself and from reality. Spooky.

I have gone from hating -- just absolutely dreading -- work to sincerely loving it. I mean, there are moments that drag on and things I wish would change. It ain't perfect, but it definitely ain't bad. I feel like I have started a completely new job. My days are fulfilling rather than draining. Now just give me employee of the month/century already, yeah?

I am a million percent calmer. I am not freezing my nonexistent ass off. I have more of an ass and it's a beautiful ass. My fingers! Oh my glorious and very necessary fingers are suddenly feeling better -- they are suddenly feeling period. Less numbness, fewer swollen joints, no bandages for the past two days. This is huge progress, I promise. And then there's the whole energy thing. It's a balanced, more natural energy as opposed to a nervous, artificial energy. It centers me. It helps me to know and do what I want to do instead of what ED commands me to do. Score one for my dazzling ass.

So I will eat breakfast again tomorrow. Even if it's small, even if it's scary. But I will make sure it's satisfying. I will make sure I continue to do this, that I make it a habit. I am a champion!