camel

When you work with little assholes who were born in 2010, you constantly have "EVERYTHING IS AWESOME!" from The Lego Movie stuck in your head. It's not a bad song, alright? It isn't. And they aren't assholes per se, alright? But they are. I mean, not to be a poor man's Louis CK, but kids truly are little assholes.

And I am going to teeeeeaaaaaccccchhhhh them! I am going to warp their minds in the best possible ways. I do not, however, wish to teach young children. They go from cute to almost demonic in about 6.66 seconds. Then they go back to being cute. And then they do something so stupid like painting a camel blue and you are, like, "Wrong." OKAY I AM JOKING ABOUT THE CAMEL. I prefer it if the child paints a camel blue and the sky chartreuse and the trees gold and silver. I remember helping out in a kindergarten classroom and the teacher nearly YELLED at a 5-year-old for coloring a camel blue. I didn't speak up then, but I sure as hell would have now.

I have been speaking up a lot lately. I don't know why. I am usually a shy, delicate little flower, yet for whatever reason I have transformed into an aggressive, callous weed. Not a weed. And not entirely aggressive. And I hope I'm not callous. Look, what I am not saying very well is that I am not that shy anymore. I am starting to say what I mean and mean what I say. Sorta. Maybe this comes with age? I just don't care too much anymore about pleasing others. It is such a relief.

That being said, I am trying to figure out how to not be a people pleaser while at the same time being "of service" to others and not being a selfish dickhole. It's learning how to say no at the appropriate times, how to compromise, how to assess the situation, and blah blah blah. It helps for me to keep this Steinbeck quote in mind because it just makes so much sense: "And now that you don't have to be perfect, you can be good."

I want to be good, good, good. I want to be kind, caring. I want to give, give, give.

I want to be a blue camel with a heart of gold.