steady

About ten minutes after writing my last post, I went into a fit of rage over my iPhone charger not working. Yep. Apparently I am that big of an idiot. Okay okay okay, no negative self-talk. I know that the freakout was over more than just a charger. That was just the catalyst. Still, I was/am embarrassed and ashamed of my behavior, especially since I took out some of my anger on my sweet mother who didn't do one damn thing wrong. :( :( :( I have since apologized and, because my mama is the most selfless soul I know, she has forgiven me, reassuring me that she understands.

I spent the rest of the day in a kind of melancholy state. It wasn't necessarily a bad melancholy -- maybe "reflective" is a better word.

I don't want to be the kind of person who is so fragile and so erratic. I want to be a freaking warrior for compassion and kindness, for hell's sake! I don't want to be scared. I want to be strong.

Maybe I already am strong. I am determined, and determination might be synonymous with strength. I just don't tap into my strength sometimes. I hide it from myself and others for whatever reason. But when it's needed -- when it's really needed -- it can't help but come out. Strength doesn't have to be extremely obvious, either. Strength can be owning up to one's mistakes, asking for forgiveness, and, you know, not freaking out the next time their iPhone charger decides to be a li'l bitch.

Quick food/ED update: It's been a little rough. My digestion is wonky and dinner is overwhelming. As is breakfast and lunch. I crave a bowl of Grape-Nuts (because I'm the most thrilling person ever), but I eat a "Carb Masters" yogurt instead -- and still feel guilt over that. (How about I stop feeling guilty over yogurt and instead concern myself over how I treat other people, including myself? Yes, yes, good point.) I am always worried about gaining weight and having to buy a new wardrobe. Really worried. But despite these things, I am hopeful. I am. I am excited as well. The world feels fresh and new now that I am slightly healthier. Restaurants, recipes, cooking shows -- they all inspire me again. Overall I am more aroused than apprehensive.

Although the day started off with a freaky freakout, I vow to end it with a warm meal and a kind heart. Roll your eyes at my gooeyness! C'mon! I dare you! I also dare you to dare me to reach for that box of Grape-Nuts tomorrow morning. A girl needs her cereal which contains neither grapes nor nuts, you know? A girl needs to treat herself right. Bless me.