Sunday, May 30, 2010

i'm okay

I will be in Colorado for the next seven days trying to find my (peace of) mind.

LOVE you.

Friday, May 28, 2010

and then there were some

I will never

eat dog
make light of celebrity deaths
trust men
feel like my extended family accepts or even likes me
be okay with my weight
read that book or that book or that book or...
not be tempted
leave college

I will

zone out
get coffee with you
attempt good cheer sporadically
remain hollow
grow my hair as long as my spiral staircase

Thursday, May 27, 2010

regarding friends

I've been thinking a bit lately about past and present friends of mine. How we've lost touch, how we've kept it touch, how one of my friends once touched my eyeball, etc. Basically, there has been a lot of touching (not in that way, pervs). So here are a few lists, mostly for my own record.

Friends I Will Probably Stay In Contact With For The Rest Of My Life

Christopher Allman
Laura Eastin
Ashley "Gigi" Munns
Joscef Castor
Robert Steffen
Whitney Mower
Jennifer Reynolds

Friends I Will Probably Unfortunately Not See Or Talk To Very Often In The Future (And Currently Don't) For One Reason Or Another (But Not Because Of Bad Feelings)

Jeffrey Owens
David Moore

Friends I Regret Losing (Not That They Are Lost For Good, But, Well, You Know)

Soren Siebach
Karl Jorgensen
Matthew Gifford
Davey Ornegri
Ashleigh Brummer

Uninteresting post. It is very incomplete. I've unintentionally left people off of these lists. I suddenly need to go to the grocery store, though, so this will have to continue l8r. Or maybe not.

Thursday, May 20, 2010

hate or appreciate, i'm just happy things are no longer fuzzy blobs

I have recently purchased some prescription glasses. I bought them quickly. Probably too quickly. They may be a little/lot too hipstery. Buuut... they allow me to see sans contacts so I will keep them. I hope you don't hate them, but you can if you want. Here I am wearing the glasses:

Here I am wearing them and acting like a zombie (which I actually did do a few times last night while getting used to the way everything appears to be in a fish bowl; fish bowl=zombie, I guess):

Wednesday, May 19, 2010

a non-depressing post, at last

I feel really, really great right now. It could be the swig of triple strength triple size Rockstar I just had, but I definitely think it's more than just that. I think it's me realizing (finally) (again) how much I am loved and "admired" by those I love and admire. I don't know why I put "admired" in quotes. Maybe I can't completely accept that someone(s) admire me in any way or shape (or form! never forget form!). So here is a jumbled, scattered, slightly nonconcrete list of things that are currently making me just so blithe (using the word "blithe" is evidence of a college degree... more on that in a minute):

*And that minute is now. Remember (or not) how I purposely failed a class this semester and then planned on retaking it in the fall? That is the only class I need for graduation, which kinda sucked that I didn't pass it the first time around, but eh. Buuut... today I got my f**king diploma on my doorstep. Apparently I have already graduated CUM LAUDE. Huh? I really really really think (and pretty much know) that the school made a mistake. Can they take back my degree, though? Yeah, I'm sure they can. So I will probably still retake the class in the fall. But who knows? I may actually be DONE with UVU. Whaaa??? Maybe they just wanna get rid of me. I've been there long enough. Eff you, literary theory. I need to buy a frame.

*My dad loves my poetry. It makes me happy. He has also said that I have opened his eyes to a new way of thinking (with my Buddhism). He is very interested in Buddhism because of me. This is beyond my comprehension. Very cool.

*My sister was so sweet today for going with me to the doctor's, waiting foooorever, and helping me to not faint and/or throw up when I was done. What a sweetheart.

*Speaking of sweethearts, I love my mom. She has such a wonderful innocence to her, yet she can tell the dirtiest jokes. She constantly surprises and delights me.

*Hi, Jack. I adore you.

*I have had many great friends throughout the years. Friends who are incredibly wise, hilarious, and wonderfully talented. They and the conversations I have had with them are priceless. For everything else there's Mastercard.

I could and should say more, but I want to answer some questions now on Formspring. Ask me anonymous or non-anonymous questions on Formspring, please! And have a sexy/studious night.

Thursday, May 13, 2010

cliffs and cocktails

Oh van Gogh
let me be at eternity's gate with you
and open your brain
call you insane
evolve over the centuries
our expectancies
walking up to the peak
and then into the field
it won't happen here
but soon I'll exhume you
open your temporal lobe
watch it transform
into golden wheat

Monday, May 10, 2010

burdens far beyond the intransitive

My dad has been recommending a book to me for some time now. I found it the other day at a used bookstore and started reading it last night. It is one of the best books I have ever read. Granted, I haven't finished it yet, but even if the rest of the book is complete crap, it will still be one of my favorites. And I read a lot of books. AND I am pretty picky when it comes to claiming a book is a favorite. Are you ready to find out what this book is? I bet you are shaking with excitement. I bet you are barely breathing because you can't stand the suspense. Well, shake no more and start breathing again-- the book is Tim O'Brien's The Things They Carried. It is about the Vietnam War and the people involved in the war. It gave me a new perspective on what it was like for the soldiers (my dad being one of those soldiers) and what they had to carry with them during and well after the war. Everyone has their own stories, their own pebbles, their own childhood dreams, their own tunnels. The Things They Carried does not romanticize or hide anything; it lays everything out and leaves me in tears. It's worth your time, so please pick it up.

Sunday, May 9, 2010

Go ahead.

Saturday, May 8, 2010


So I am back from my first camping trip of the year.

I thought that it would be a trip that provide me with "signs" which would subsequently open my eyes to everything I have been blind to--to the things that matter, to the paths I should take, to the people I should hang on to and let go.

But instead it was overshadowed by incredibly intense, vivid, and dark dreams. If I was smarter, I would look at these dreams as the sign. OR if I was wiser, I would realize that it is pointless to rely on or look for signs. That there are no need for signs. But I can't let go of my mystical Mormon upbringing. Hell, I will still sometimes utter certain prayers/phrases when I am terrified. By the power of Jesus Christ...

Religious blog post will be postponed for later, no worries.

Anyway, I think my caffeine buzz is dying. I no longer have interest in writing, just sleeping. What was I trying to "get at" in this post? Should I confess? Do I tell the details of my delusion? Will it even matter? I had good feelings about her this morning, while still resting in the haze of the unconscious mind. I thought we might be friends. I thought we would be those two with that too-crazy-to-believe-past that would, in an odd way, solidify our closeness. I thought it might be nice.

And then the desert air (biting at nearly 6000 feet) slapped me awake and I sighed with the realization that, no, that's not what either of us want. But do we need it? Hell if I know. We are all so peculiar, particular, private; we paint our tragedies perfectly without ever knowing where our mediums came from. The emptiness of the desert can only be captured an infinite number of ways, you know.

Thursday, May 6, 2010

Dear Me and You,

"Negative thoughts and emotions undermine the very causes of peace and happiness. In fact, when we think properly, it is totally illogical to seek happiness if we do nothing to restrain angry, spiteful, and malicious thoughts and emotions." --the Dalai Lama

Monday, May 3, 2010

Dear Beauty Myth,

I will not allow you to make me feel guilty for having a bowl of generic Cheerios at one in the A.M.
You're not welcome,

Sunday, May 2, 2010

soon i will be buying loads and loads of (pizza) dough with dough (aka money)

Following my old friend ("old" as in "friends for a long time," although I suppose to someone around the age of six, he is "old" as in "elderly") Christopher's advice, I just signed up for food stamps. Now I have to go in for an interview sometime soon. It was "hella" easy to apply, but I just hope I answered all of the questions correctly. I was not sure of some of the answers, so I just took a guess. But sometimes guesses get one sent to the slammer. I sure hope I don't get sent to the dog house. It would sure put a damper on my summer.

Hey, government-- I am an honest chick! Don't have me arrested! Arrest the real criminals! You know, like those who get all touchy feely!

Saturday, May 1, 2010

things to do this summer

*bake and cook and eat what I bake and cook
*prevent osteoporosis
*run a marathon
*read a lot a lot a lot
*make zines
*make collages
*camp like crazy
*learn and do yoga
*paint our apartment
*meditate regularly
*become more compassionate
*learn to love myself