nickel

I was a lousy human today. Now I know you're thinking, "But Meg! You are trying the best you can! Give yourself a break!" But it's not true. I wasn't trying the best that I could. And I don't deserve to give myself a break for being essentially a brat. Okay, so maybe I should examine the reason behind my lousiness. Maybe I need to get down to that roooooot, dude. Dudes. Do only dudes read my blog? Jay Kay. I will name the future children I'll never have "Jay" and "Kay" and "Psych." They will be rotten kids, but they will at least know their roots. They will be rotten, but not lousy.

But yeah. I am too lousy tired to discuss the specifics behind why I was so lousy, but I shall just say for all of you curious dudes that it was directly linked to damn Ed. Edward H. Asshole likes to ruin my mood/day on a fairly consistent basis. How sweet of him. And then I'm a lousy Meghan H. Asshole to those close to me solely because I am so angry with myself -- too angry. I am so angry with Meg that I have to get rid of some of that hatred by lashing out at others. I worry about what will happen if I take out all of my frustration on myself. I could honestly benefit from having a punching bag. I should get into boxing, huh? Million Dollar Baby right here. Except not a Million Dollars. More like a nickel I found face down on the ground. The nickel was face down, not me. I was too busy running away from my problems to be lying face down. Five Cent Baby, baby. That's the kinda lousy gal I am.

There's a million dollars inside of me somewhere. I think. Right? I've seen glimpses of it before. It's all in gold coins. It is inside of a giant swimming pool. I want to become Scrooge McDuck and dive into that pool, swimming around in the goodness which I hope is still available. Of course, Scrooge would just be a funny nickname for me. Funny because it would be the total opposite of the "real me." I would be a Sweetie, not a Scrooge. Would. Will. Not currently.

Tomorrow is a new day, yes. It is also Sunday. Maybe I'll go confess my sins somewhere. I feel trapped in my neuroses and shortcomings. I wish I had the energy to know what I wish I had the energy to do. That makes sense in my head. Hey! It's the first thing in at least 24 hours that has made some kind of sense in my head! That's progress, right?

Gonna go search for 20 million nickels right now, Sweet Dudes. Thanks for letting me be lousy sometimes.