Thursday, March 12, 2015

bacio! baiser! mwah mwah!

Reminder to my beautiful self: It's okay to be moody! It's okay to have days where you cry on a treadmill and in the park. It is perfectly acceptable to be imperfect and inexplicably sad. Because it will pass. All of those emotions and feelings will pass (even the happy ones), and they will pass a lot smoother if you allow yourself to actually feel the feelings. Radical idea, huh? Rad.

I remember receiving a "RAD!" stamp in the mail from a former love. He was and still is, as far as I know, a wonderful human. I forget about him. I forget about the wonderful ones and remember the shitty ones! That's not entirely true, but it is at least partially true. There are a lot of partial truths out there. There are a lot of partial loves as well. A "partial love" might be more of an infatuation, a possibility never realized.

Eddy, my boyfriend and girlfriend and best friend and worst enemy and life giver and life sucker and all of the above, has prevented me from having any kind of long-term, relatively healthy adult relationship. BECAUSE how can I have a successful relationship with another human when all of my devotion is given to Ed? Besides, he/she/it is freaking possessive, to put it mildly and safely (you know, "freaking" instead of "fucking" -- you are welcome, mama! Mwah!).

Thanks to the dime-a-dozen eating disorder memoirs/self-help books, it is now a cliche to say I am ready to break up with Ed, but that's exactly what I'm ready to do. Ed is, well, a dickhole asswipe. And boring. And, yes, scary, but at this point Ed is just lame. I can see right through him (him? her? they? still haven't decided on the pronoun, which I think is kind of a big deal/decision). I want to go out and enjoy stimulating conversation and new people and NEW JOKES and NEW BODIES and NEW TASTES and NEW WINK WINK NUDGE NUDGE. In fact, I don't feel like I even need to give reasons why I want to break up with Eddie Pie Honeybunch. I've "justified" it enough in the past. The only thing I need to say is that I want a divorce -- and that we better get started on dividing our assets. No hiding anything from me, Ed! Give me the Subaru and I'll let you have the washer and dryer. Oh yeah, and give me back my ass/hips/brain. It's been real. Smell ya later.

Hey! I did it! I broke up via blog post. Awkward? Inappropriate? Confusing? Sorry you had to witness that. But now I'm free! I'm 30, flirty, and thriving. Take me out to dinner, wine and dine me, compliment my bloodshot eyes, etc. Don't buy me roses, buy me wildflowers. Better yet, let's go on a hike and then you can point out the wildflowers and we can write poems about them in the red sand.

Truth be told (let it be told!!!), I'm not really as amorous as I appear to be. I'm kinda just jokin' around with you sexy, sexy, incredibly desirable babes. It might take some time for me to "unthaw." I am starting at zero here and need to build up all sorts of things physically before I can begin to WINK WINK NUDGE NUDGE with another person. But (wo)man oh (wo)man, when I do! Watch out! Hide your daughters/sons/blow-up dolls! Hide everything! But then uncover everything because it's all about being vulnerable and open and honest and devastatingly handsome. Kiss me, you fool!

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