identify

Discovering what I want for the first time in years and years and years (perhaps 30 years?) is an arduous process.

I grew up not giving myself the voice I so desperately needed. I remained quiet while others decided for me. I thought it was better to remain hidden than to show up and be seen. I left my desires on the back burner while attending to tasks I never found inspiring. And the worst part of all of this is that I never thought anything was wrong with keeping myself silent. In fact, I thought I was being good, I thought I was being almost holy. I thought I had it all under control.

But inside I was withering. I was losing what was unique to me simply because I never noticed it. Buried deep down I must have instinctively felt that I had lost something vital. A spark won't start a fire if it has been covered with sand.

I do know this ocean I've neglected. I do know it and I am ready to return. Oddly enough, the ocean will never put out the spark. The opposing forces may seem to destroy each other -- whether it is through extinguishing or boiling -- but I see it as an act of balance. A way to attend to one another directly without layers of lies and foreign stories. There is a deeper respect found when everything is stripped bare.

I will discover. I am determined to uncover. I can't breathe underwater or in the smoke without this oxygen.