chase

So here's the thing. I am a new woman!!! A new womyn. Hey, just the fact that I am a woman is a pretty big deal. For my whole life I have felt like I am a little girl. I forget that I am almost 31. Just because I don't wear pumps to work and have some kind of Sex and the City lifestyle does not make me less of a woman. Anyway, I am a new woman simply because very recently I have broken out of my old, suffocating schedule. It was getting to the point where life was tasteless, dull, and borderline unbearable. So I broke up with my schedule before it broke me. It's not me, schedule -- it's definitely you.

I don't necessarily need to go into all of the details, but let's just say I've taken away a few obsessions such as walking a fixed amount every day at the same time, running myself to the point of utter exhaustion, and eating the same, intricate meals at the same, very late time. Same. Everything was same, same, same. And I was so fixated on time. I have taken those away and have added good old fashioned meditation, human interaction, and DIFFERENT meals at "REGULAR" times. Or at least whenever I am hungry! Some days I eat late and that's okay. Other days I eat dinner at 4pm and that's also okay. Basically, I am attempting this whole "intuitive eating" thing, which I know works. And meditation works. And relationships fail, but sometimes work. And what's working for me these days is figuring out what works, what leads me to a more compassionate life, and then to take that damn path. Just go. Just start walking (but without ulterior motives or a timer). Just chase after what is wild and free.

So I have freed myself. I have become that new woman, who is actually just the old me. I buried myself for some time under false beliefs, self-loathing, and denial. I still don't quite understand why I did that -- or why any of us do that. I am still figuring that out. I do know, however, that self-reflection and self-compassion are worth it. They are so so so worth it. Chase after those things as well. (The neat thing about the chase is that you have already won. You have captured what you were seeking simply by beginning. You have trust in yourself. You knew you were worth saving. Congratulations.)