Thursday, April 23, 2015


HI! Better day. My pinkie slipped and hit the caps lock button, so my "hi" seemed extra enthusiastic and perhaps a little threatening. I do not mean to be extra enthusiastic (medium enthusiastic is about right for me) or a little threatening (I prefer to be majorly threatening!!! jk???), I just mean to be me, maaan! Yeah, totally.

I feel much happier these days. I still have really rough moments some days, but I bounce back quicker than I did in the past. Plus, I try to stay with my emotions more than running away at the first sign of danger. A lot of this peace and contentment comes from -- you guessed it (or maybe you didn't) -- quitting prescribed meth Adderall. But uuuuugggghhhhhhhhh I really don't want to discuss Adderall right now. Even mentioning it is kind of a trigger for me. I should go to AA meetings or something. Adderallholics Anonymous. I really do need a sponsor. And some kind of reward for being clean for 90 days. So far it's been a little over two weeks since my last amphetamine high. I am proud of myself and I'll leave it at that.

So late this afternoon I was, as they say, "lonely as hell." I reached out to a few people via smoke signals/text and either didn't get a response or got a very short, polite response -- a response that was basically, "Yeah, I don't want to talk." I can read between the lines, people!!! And that's totally okay. We all have those days/moods. Not everyone needs to drop everything they are doing when I come around "demanding" attention. Only some people need to do that. Just joking, nobody "owes" me anything (aside from respect, ya hear?!). I guess what I've been trying to say this entire paragraph is that I am lonely and I desperately miss having a best friend.

I wandered around the library and then the park trying not to cry. Unrelated, but I also walked past a Domino's in order to smell pizza. Anyway, I thought about how I could either feel bad and sad for myself or I could use this tenderness to turn outward and feel/develop compassion for others who feel lonely, for others who reach out only to be rejected. I could turn my sadness into compassion. And so I did. As I was walking past Domino's and other Orem landmarks, I silently wished for those who were suffering from loneliness to not be lonely. I breathed in loneliness and breathed out peace. It helped. I don't give a shit how self-helpy I sound because it worked. My heart became softer instead of harder. A weight lifted off and the sky was delicate and strong again. And damn, that pizza smelled better than ever.

It is my hope that tonight you aren't lonely. It is my hope that you are free from suffering and the root of all suffering. It is my hope that you treat yourself with the love you deserve and that you definitely treat yourself to pizza and dessert. And I'm here for you if you ever want to talk and/or share a pizza pie. A pizza pie! Mama mia! It's a-me! Mario! Mario like-a da pizza! Mwah mwah!

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