Thursday, April 16, 2015


I feel quite happy right now. Content. Con tent. The cons of having a tent is that you can't see Orion. But other than that, I really dig tents. One thing that made me proud of myself was when I backpacked in the Grand Canyon and set up my own damn tent next to a cold stone wall. Cold stone reminds me and you of yes, ice cream. It reminds me specifically of a very, very, incredibly innocent date I went on back when I was a spry 18-year-old gal. We went to a ballroom dance performance at Brigham Young University and then ate frozen yogurt at Cold Stone after. Frozen yogurt? Who the flip gets froyo when ice cream is an option? And knowing how unfair life can be, I suspect the frozen yogurt cost more than the ice cream for absolutely no logical reason. The reason I am not breaking this post into paragraphs is because I wish to get you lost in the labyrinth of my mind. It only took me two times to correctly spell "labyrinth"! This is a new record, not that I have been keeping track. In high school I really should have been on the track team. I really should have been more involved with the drama department as well. And hell, I should have continued to take math and German classes. I should have done a lot of things rather than simply sitting in my now-super-nostalgic childhood bedroom listening to Simon & Garfunkel and writing love poems to Paul Simon in journals my parents purchased for me from Barnes & Noble. Simon, meet Barnes. Garfunkel, meet Noble. If I could be a more noble person, I would be. Surprise! I can be! I can be whatever I want aside from a high school student. Hey, life isn't Never Been Kissed. But if it was, I would definitely be the Jessica Alba character who dresses up like Malibu Barbie or whatever. Malibu, in a more perfect world, would be spelled "Maliboo" and it would be a town dedicated to having Halloween every week year round. Every Thursday night the children would emerge from their caves and roam the streets dressed as goblins and Republicans. They wouldn't necessarily demand candy, but they would demand an explanation from the Catholic Church as to why they tarnished the word "pagan" and why they burned their great great great great great great great great great great grandmother at the stake. That may be one too many greats or one too few greats, but the great thing about this post is that mistakes are to be expected and embraced. This is a labyrinth, correct? Dead ends are the norm.

Well, now I've come to the end of my own labyrinth. I'm getting kind of hungry. I want out of this maze, dammit! I want to leave the maze and enter the kitchen. I want my kitchen to be outside on a porch in some tropical location. I want to eat my morning banana with a monkey. An actual monkey, not my mind. I do not wish to eat a banana with my mind. I wish to eat a banana with my mouth and with an actual monkey and with a pot of oatmeal cooking on the stove which is outside on the large porch in a very tropical location. Oh! I heard a noise outside and I thought it was the tea kettle on the stove in my currently indoor non-tropical kitchen letting me know that it is ready! It is ready to be poured over a teeny tea bag of Oregon chai tea. I think the "Oregon" part is a brand. Is that the name of the tea? Oregon? I could Google it because right now in the 27th century we can Google just about anything, but I won't. I won't waste my time because I have to figure out why I typed "27th century" when it is so clearly the 29th. The 29th century when we all live on spaceships in our labyrinth mind. Do monkeys do well in mazes? Have there been experiments done with monkeys trapped in mazes? Monkeys are not rats, but then again rats are not monkeys. Will monkeys survive in space? Can we bring two monkeys on board in order to start a monkey civilization on another planet? Oh, rats. We accidentally brought two male monkeys with us. And as we all know, it's Adam and Eve, not Adam and Steve the Homosexual Spider Monkey. Well, we tried. We tried, but we all died in space with two gay monkeys roaming around a labyrinth full of dead ends.

Happy Thursday! Trick or treat!

1 comment:

Heidi said...

In the "Never Been Kissed" world, I'm Josie Geller. My brother hates Drew Barrymore after seeing that movie because it made him so uncomfortable seeing her picked on like that with how much she reminds him of me.

I love the movie. I'm not Josie Grossie anymore.