Monday, April 20, 2015


Warning: This is bound to sound obnoxious.

It's difficult being an REI gal in a sea of Cabela's folk. An outsider is how I feel 1,000% of the time in dear old Family City, USA. That comes as no surprise. I am sure you too have felt like the odd one out on 1,000 occasions. I also get that there are bigger things in the world, more pressing problems, and, uh, bigger fish to fry? I get that. I also get frustrated that I can't even feel bad without feeling guilty. Like, yes, hashtag first world problems, but they are still problems and if I keep beating myself up for having a variety of emotions, then welcome to Bummer City, USA -- population: me.

Today has been an off-day. Yeah yeah, Mondays. Yeah yeah, the weather. But actually the weather has been MARVELOUS. And Mondays are like Fridays for me. So it's probably just chemicals going cuckoo in my brain. That's all. It's not even that I feel hopeless or anything. I think I almost feel too hopeful. There are so many things I want to do and be and see -- so many that it is impossible to do and be and see it all. That li'l fact is throwing me into some kinda crisis. It freezes me up. It makes me wildly indecisive and frantically overwhelmed. Where do I start? What's most important? Who am I really? Why can't I focus long enough to finish anything? When will I be ready? When will my life begin?

And then I remember it has begun. It began nearly 31 years ago. I have let years go by with very little to show for it. Not that I'm a showy person... But I am a person who has a lot to tell. Show and tell? I want to tell, but I can't locate my voice. I want to be a part of something, some movement, some community, some sea of like-minded sweethearts. But I stay still and eventually wither. I have to start growing.

Sigh. I am going to call it a night. Love you.

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