out

It's not even 9:46am and I've already cried once today. I have only been up for an hour, too! What gives?

I trace it back to me being overwhelmed. Overwhelmed with stuff. I received two packages in the mail the other day. Wait, make that three. Three packages in the mail of great and wonderful things that really will come in handy when I'm on various outdoor adventures. Hiking socks! Running socks! A sock for my head otherwise known as a hat! And sandals. The sandals were not necessary (to be honest, none of the things were "necessary"), but they were cute. Cute vs. necessary vs. what the eff am I doing with my life.

I start most of my sentences with "I." I call my family up on the phone and I talk to them about me. I ask them for help constantly and it's usually for things which I consider to be selfish. Yes yes yes, I know ED is a mental illness and that running at the gym goes deeper than just... running at the gym. But still, why do I spend all of my energy on exercising? Yes, the whole control thing. Yes, addiction. Yes, avoidance. But sometimes I just want to slap some sense into me. (Probably not helpful, no. That's the same as saying, "Just eat a sandwich!") I need to get out of my own head. Like, big time.

Life isn't just this empty wasteland. There are colors and shapes and shades out there. There is depth. There are discoveries waiting to be made, lands leading to new ideas and fresh perspectives. And people. There are so many people out there (7 billion-ish) that it seems silly for me to stay put, running nowhere on a very energy inefficient machine inside of a very energy inefficient box.

So let me run away. Let me run away from myself in order to find myself. Let me take risks and reach out. I don't want to let everything and everyone zoom past me while I remain cowering in my far-too-comfortable corner.

Let me get dirty. Let me make mistakes. Let me open my eyes. Let me stay open while constantly moving.

Breakfast time. Be nice to yourself today.