I have been trying to decide what I want to write, which is fairly unusual for me. I usually just swing around with my monkey mind, but today I wanted to maybe give my words more thought. Who would have thought? So there I was on a non-dark and non-storm non-winter non-night (translation: it has been a beautifully bright and lovely spring day!) just staring at my keyboard. After a good five minutes of zoning out, the SHIFT key shook me from my stupor and filled me with the light of Christ! Weird joke. But it really did shake me awake. So did the "pause break" key. As did the keys enter and backspace and home and ctrl and esc. I am not at all losing my marbles when I say this, but I am 100% sure my keyboard is an alien sending me messages from a distant planet. Yep. For sure.
But for reals, I need to shift my perspective perhaps drastically and give up the desire of being in "ctrl" all of the time. I cushion my life with numerous ways to "esc" from anything and anyone even remotely uncomfortable to me. I'm sure we all do that to an extent. It's a survival thing, right? A defense mechanism. A way to not totally freak out and fall into an inescapable existential pit of despair. But it has come to the point where I need to pause before I break. I can feel myself breaking -- mentally, physically, spiritually -- and, to be honest, I'm surprised I haven't broken yet. Of course, there are different kinds of breaking. I guess I don't want to breakdown, but I do want to break out. Break free? Breaking bad. Such a good show. And I want to show others and most importantly myself that I can enter into a more authentic existence and discontinue living a life which feels as though it is perpetually on caps lock. The last thing I need right now is more escaping. I want to return home. I have the key to the front door. All I need to do is shift it to the right to unlock all that has been waiting. I don't want to be an alien in my own life anymore.
Well, time for a walk. Another one, another one, another one. Walking might be a little bit of an escape and that's okay. I'm hanging on to my walks. Let me at least have my walks.
And hey! What a good day for Jesus to be resurrected. He and I at least have that in common. (Maybe he also likes cookies-n-cream ice cream. I can't imagine a savior who wouldn't.)