Friday, April 24, 2015

gray day

I want to go to bed right now. It's 6:51pm on a Friday, yes, but I don't care. I wanted to call it a day around 2:51pm, okay? And maybe I should have. I am just so drained. Emotionally, physically, scientifically. I am kidding about the "scientifically" part. I do not even know what that would entail. Like, I am a scientist (I wish!) and I am experiencing career burn-out? Anyway, I don't know why I am so tired. Oh wait, anemia. Yeah. But I felt like I had been doing so much better. Were those iron infusions in vain? Were the nurses actually giving me some kind of sad syrup instead of iron? Maybe it has just been a long week (it hasn't -- it flew by). Maybe it's the weather (it isn't -- I adore rainy days). Maybe I'm just hungry and lonely (ding ding ding).

My loneliness turns into grumpiness, which turns into me taking out my pissy mood on some of my favorite people. Blah blah blah. Same old story. I feel saaaaaad. I am also sooooo worried about my health. Not a darn second goes by where I am not sticking my fingers in my ears and "la la la-ing" away the thoughts that I am dying of some horrible disease. Oh, and I also miss having a best friend. I have had some pretty awful friends in the past and I let them off the hook time and time again. And it's probably time I stop doing that. But where's the balance? I want to be compassionate and empathetic and forgiving, but I also do not want to be a pushover. I do not want to be used for x, y, or z and then immediately abandoned after they get their x, y, or z. That's shitty. And I let it happen all of the time. Where are my homies at, yo? There are a few of you out there who are rock solid pals. Thank you. I also want to declare that I desire to be a better friend to others... And, okay okay, a better friend to myself as well.

That last one is going to be quite the challenge. I have been nothing but cruel to myself these past few days. I guess it stems from feelings of worthlessness, YOU KNOW?!?! Fun! But to be honest, I don't feel like the most honest person. I am not honest with others or with myself. How can I be a good friend if I am not transparent and open? How can I expect to get rid of these overwhelmingly negative emotions if I just keep avoiding them and covering them up with fiction? I have to start facing those aspects of myself which I do not like. I have to start facing myself. And then maybe I can embrace myself.

Well. 7:06pm. Bedtime yet? Please say yes.

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