Friday, April 17, 2015


You know how some mornings you wake up and immediately feel like a big, sloppy, grouchy mess? Well, TGII! Thank Goodness It's Impermanent! And, yeah, TGIF. It's Friday, things are okay, things could be worse, gotta shake off this bad mood, be grateful, be mindful, la la la la la la. But slightly grumpy is where I'm at this actually really, really beautiful morning. I am not sure why and the fact that I'm not sure is making me even grumpier. Yesterday morning it was as if Buddha had taken over my body. I was so blissed out and at peace and just playin' it relatively cool all day long. What gives? I guess I won't overanalyze it. I guess I will just ride this wave like the surfer I desperately wished I could be back in high school. Did you know I wanted to be a surfer? Thanks to the movie Blue Crush and my obsession with the brand Roxy, I was determined to go to surfing school and retire at the age of 16 and simply surf the rest of my life away. That actually wouldn't have been that terrible of a plan except for the fact that I lived (and still live! imagine that!) in Utah and, yes, swam like a stone. Now fifteen -- FIFTEEN -- years have passed and the only surfer thing about me is... Uh... My blonde hair? But there are so many surfers who don't have blonde locks. So there's almost nothing about me that would scream "surfer!" at strangers. Imagine screaming "SURFER!" at all of the strangers you see. Imagine not seeing them as strangers and instead seeing them as your mother in a past life. Isn't there some kind of Buddhist teaching about how everyone was once your mother? Quick Google search... Okay, so it's totally a thing. I'll let you Google the teaching if you want. It has to do with compassion. It ALL has to do with compassion. When will I realize that and let it sink in and make it a part of my everyday life. Everyday or every day? That one always confuses me.

Labyrinth mind again! Is labyrinth mind synonymous with monkey mind? I feel like there is at least a slight difference between the two. Maybe there is an ocean of difference between the labyrinth and the monkey. Maybe the monkey knows how to surf the waves in this ocean while the labyrinth dives deep and discovers a galaxy beneath our feet. How many toes do monkeys have on their little monkey feet? No time to Google it because I need to scramble up something TOP SECRET. Oh, wait, not top secret. Just eggs. I need to scramble up some eggs. I guess I don't need to, but kind of. At this point in recovery, I need to "force" myself to eat three meals a day plus snacks and it is both so fun and amazing and also so freaky and frustrating. Freaky, frustrating Friday. I don't want that to be a theme. I want to say to my earlier self this morning, "Hey, earlier self. It's me, the self that is from the future. I am just here to tell you that you can 'drop the story' and ride out these waves. Storms may approach! But then again they may not! Do not assume! Just ride. Also, EAT BREAKFAST, DAMMIT!" I hope my earlier self will stop being so stubborn and start listening with an open heart.

An open heart. That is what I want to give myself and others today. I will not assume that today will be rough. I will not assume that today will be a party. I will drink my tea when it's placed in front of me and scramble my eggs when they begin sizzling. I will drop the stories I concoct in my head and instead lift my eyes to the sky and remember where I come from. I come from here, I am here, I am going to be here in the future, even though "here" may change physical locations. Here is the wave. Here is the chance. Here is the ocean. Here is the labyrinth, letting me be.

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