Saturday, April 4, 2015


Anybody else out there have the Hawaii Five-O theme song stuck in your head on this Conference morning? Speaking of hashtag LDSconf, Thomas Monson would be a lot cooler if his name was Thomas Monsoon. Tommy Monsoon: Prophet and Part-Time Surf GOD. Cue Hawaii Five-O theme song! Hang ten! Ten percent of your income! Incoming wave! Ride that wave! Ride that crimson wave.

Okay, let me continue on my QUEST for discovering my PASSION. Where did I leave off? Number 3? Yes, number 3. (Is number 3 the crimson wave in bathroom language? Like I'd even know anymore.)

Number 3: Own your uniqueness.

OH! Already did that one. Phew. That one was stupid.

Number 4: Cultivate confidence.

Hahahahahahahaha. HAHAHAHAHAHA. Lalalalalala.

If we are continually telling ourselves we can’t, then we will never believe we can. There is a chance you may fail, but it will be impossible to succeed if you don’t believe in yourself. You can create affirmations, focus on the things you want, or make a vision board that shows your future success.

Oooookay, all laughing aside, I will confidently admit that this is good advice. It is a bit corny, but corny can be good unless it's corn being fed to cattle on feedlots. Come on. Cows don't eat corn, you nutjobs. Cows eat nuts. No, wait. Cows eat grass! Cows are so beautiful. Look at a freaking calf sometime and just TRY to not melt. But yes, I have heard time and time again from various therapists and well-adjusted friends (they are rare, but they exist!) that affirmations work. I tried a few a few times. It was a relief to tell myself a few nice things once in awhile instead of calling myself a "stupid bitch" in my head for the smallest offense. Maybe I'll pick up that whole self-affirmations thing again when I'm not so lazy. My first affirmation will be, "Even though I am too lazy to create affirmations, I still love and accept myself exactly how I am." Then I will kiss a mirror and flip my hair.

Vision board. Shit yeah. I want to create the shit out of a vision board, man. (IN THE FORM OF A TUMBLR PAGE WHAT A WONDERFUL IDEA.)

I feel remarkable now! I AM remarkable now! And I will be in the future. And I was occasionally in the past except for all of those many, many, practically innumerable times I was unremarkable. So be it. Live, learn, move on. Move on, make art, drink water. Drink water, take vitamins, take the vitamins with the water. Eat a meal if the vitamins upset your stomach, call your doctor if you experience glimpses into the infinite after taking your generic multivitamin. The generic multivitamins were on sale at the grocery store the other day and you bought them on an impulse. You felt so confident that day. So confident and so impulsive that you threw caution into the wind and threw the bottle of generic multivitamins into your shopping cart. Then you went virtually insane and even bought a small bag of turkey jerky. You knew the sodium content was high, but to hell with it! To hell with your high blood pressure and your safe ways and Safeway and all of the little, infinite, jerky things you've done in your life. You are content with your sodium content. You are content with your generic vitamins and minerals. You are content with being a remarkable, stupid, confident, insecure, brilliantly boring creature crawling on this rotating planet. You kiss the mirror and move on. You've got vision boards to create and future successes to collect.

One day you'll be content.

No comments: