cycle

Oh good! It's that time of the evening when I am convinced I am dying of every ailment out there. Except maybe stigmata. Is stigmata an ailment or a miracle? Or a myth? Where do we draw the line, people? When will we stop looking at WebMD? Why do I feel like a vampire and a ghost most of the time? Oh right. I know why. And you probably know why if you've read at least one other post on this li'l blog.

I don't want to think about or talk about or write about dying. Hey, Buddha, I know -- I can't avoid it! But I can avoid thinking/talking/writing about it. Should I? Probably not. But just TRY TO STOP ME, SIDDHARTHA.

What a weird cycle I'm on. No, not a menstrual cycle. As you may know, I haven't had one of those suckers for almost five years. Oh god. That's another sign I am dying. Well, whatever. The cycle I'm talking about is my daily highs and lows. Here's how it goes: I wake up and ahhhh! Pretty good! Uh oh, here come the grumps. Okay, the grumpiness is disappearing. Oh! Here it is again! Okay, I feel better. Maybe a little manic and jittery, but pretty alright. Hopeful, even! Now it is noon and I still feel okay, depending on what I did/did not eat. If I ate "too much," I'll be in a brief, but very real, state of despair. But overall the early afternoon is what it is. I am more stable and balanced than I am in the morning. UH OH. Big uh oh. The late afternoon! This is when I cry in parks or parked cars. This is when I swear at inanimate objects and consider cutting bangs. This is when I bide my time until nighttime. Lately the late afternoon blues have been carrying over into the evening -- and that's a real bummer! No bueno! I attempt to walk off the anxiety in the afternoon and evenings. Walk walk walk walk walk walk walk walk. My neighbors must think I'm nuts. Funny thing is, however, is that my neighbors don't think about me at all! In fact, I'm not entirely sure they even know I exist judging by the fact that a good number of them have almost run me over with their luxury sedans. Anyway, I have these little "activities" and rituals I do/perform each evening to keep me sane/distracted. THIS is one of them! This whole writing-a-blog-post thing. I guess it helps. It helps to pass the time if nothing else.

And then nighttime hits. Ahhhh and it feels so good. Hit me baby, one more time. It's usually around 9pm when my brain either gives up or wakes up. I'm not sure which it is. But I feel about 79% more relaxed than I have all day long. Relaxed, focused, inspired, happy. That might explain why I am the night owl that I am, despite loving early mornings. I finally feel at peace and "like myself" in the darker hours. How goth of me! Too bad no one's around to experience my best self. Maybe one day. (Or maybe the reason why I am happier is because I am alone? Nah. That may contribute a little, but it isn't the main reason. I'm not a complete hermit! I love heart-to-hearts. I want to have more heart-to-hearts with more sweethearts. Maybe you are one of them! Maybe you are my sweetheart.)

I got distracted for about 15 minutes. I broke the flow! I can't recall if there was some point to this post. Is there ever a "point" to any of my posts? What is the point of any of this? I joke. I am feeling better already! The despair I was feeling at the beginning of this post has faded into a dull anxiety. I can deal with dull anxiety. (Is that a contradiction? Isn't anxiety always razor sharp?) I can also deal with the nice weather and the sure-to-be-beautiful sunset. So much so that I am going to deal with it outside where all of it is happening. You should step outside as well! Let's step outside on the count of three and look up at the sky. We are seeing the same sky! Isn't that trippy, man? It's a very large, small world. Let's not avoid it.