restore

My brain is waking up from the coldest winter on record. While the rest of the world around me experienced unusually warm weather, I cowered in the corner shivering. BUT NOW... But now I feel a lightness in my heart and a skip in my step and a burrito in my stomach. Yes, folks, the burrito is still there, 24-hours later. Just don't go for the whole enchilada/burrito, you know? I mean, go for it if you want. I'm not one to tell you what you can and cannot do, but if you wish to eat any other meal that day or the next, might I gently suggest you save a part of that blessed burrito for later.

Back to my brain. It is happy again! I don't know really how to explain it other than what I already said -- that it is waking up.

Yesterday afternoon I wandered -- actually wandered with no particular purpose or damn destination -- around the park, blissed out on some really hark-the-herald-angel vibes. No, I don't quite understand what I meant by "hark-the-herald-angel" vibes. Maybe I meant that the feeling in the air was one in which angels should be descending from heaven playing trumpets or whatever. Or maybe I am saying that I am a newborn king. Newborn! Awake! Springtime! Sunny yesterday, snowy today. And that's okay. Things are really okay right now. I feel like I am coming back to who I once was.

OF COURSE... There is a danger in holding on to a Self, a fixed identity. I'm not the same person I "once was" and I never will be. I am not the same person I was three minutes ago. I am continuously dying and being reborn, right? Right. There is a sense of relief in knowing this. It means I (whomever this "I" happens to be or not be) can let go and relax in whatever is. I can stop. I can breakup with control. Hey, it's not you, it's me, Control. Wait, no -- it actually is you. Well, I am callin' it quits. Please give me back my house key.

So here I sit relaxed on a gray day with sunshine in my heart. Finally. Again. It will go away sometimes, sure, but it will come back as well. There is an ocean inside and the tides are obedient to a moon I regrettably abandoned for a space of time. But now there is space and there is time and there is a rhythm which reassures, resurrects, and restores.