Sunday, April 19, 2015


Last night's labyrinth brought some MUCH NEEDED JOY into my life. So I will begin wandering around again tonight. Stop reading now if you dislike stream-of-consciousness writing or streams or consciousness or hemorrhoids. Because I am about to discuss hemorrhoids.

What's the deal with hemorrhoids, am I right? And why the long face? And who's on first?

I'm sitting here with my green tea and I'm, like, "Yo, I'm so zen right now." Little do you know (but will soon know in about two seconds) that I took a huge swig of an energy drink right before I pretended to be so zen with my green tea. Hey, YOU try having anemia. Don't try having it. And don't drink carbonation or tea if you have anemia because it will prevent your so so so tired body from absorbing the so so so needed iron. Well, whatever. You only live once. Or maybe you live over and over and over again until you "get it right" and attain enlightenment.

I am not going to discuss hemorrhoids anymore after this short paragraph, but really quick -- what if I have one? Eating disorders sure come with a basket full of surprises. Some people receive fruit baskets or maybe a fancy basket full of imported cheeses, but THIS GIRL received a gift basket from anorexia that included hemorrhoids, anemia, hair loss, amenorrhea, stress fractures, early-onset osteoporosis, loneliness, insomnia, loneliness, joint pain, loneliness, gray skin, and really cold toes. Thanks for the gift! What's that? I can't return it? Well, dammit. I mean, uh, no, that was very thoughtful of you, ED. Like, super generous. You shouldn't have.

Okay! I'm done talking about hemorrhoids and suuuuuper depressing crap (pun?) for now. Now on to something much more lighthearted! Like....... Like the fact that I am pretty happy these days? Yeah. I am pretty happy these days. I think part of the reason for my elevated mood is that I am just tryin' to fake it 'till I make it. I try to be in a better mood and then slowly I don't have to try anymore. But the BIGGEST reason for this gooey hippie dippie outlook has to do with ditching the stimulants. The prescribed stimulants, mind you. I still drink far too much caffeine. But I am no longer swallowing little legal meth pills and it has made a world of difference. In short, I am no longer an asshole! I just have some embarrassing issues with my asshole (OH GROSS SORRY SORRY). I realize that other folks may have a very similar prescription and that they legitimately need these orange beads in order to function -- and that's A-OK! I don't want to knock prescription drugs. I don't think the issue is black and white. I will never shame someone for needing a crutch or two or seven. We do what we have to do at certain times, you know? I was just over-medicated on the wrong medicine, that's all. And it nearly killed me, that's all. And now I feel like a human again -- and that's all I ever wanted.

I still have a ways to go. I can't let myself fall into the trap of, "Oh! Lookie! I'm all better! I cured myself! Nothing could possibly go wrong!" I have to stay alert. I have to keep working on my health. I have to be gentle with myself and the process. Gentle and realistic. I can't always be riding this gooey hippie dippie wave. But I can prepare myself for what I will do when I get swept under unexpected waves. And I will prepare. And I will be okay. I can always choose to get back up on the board.

Now I am bored with being indoors. Time to watch this li'l sun of ours set. Thanks for reading and being. <3

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