Sunday, February 21, 2016


I missed you yesterday! I was too preoccupied with babysitting anxieties to do much of anything except wander around outside, chew ice, and read to the point of distraction. (Isn't that the point of reading? Distraction? But also confrontation. And escape. And return. The act and love of reading is full of contradictions and that's what makes it grand.) And, of course, babysitting turned out to be fine. Overall. Sure, I stepped in dog shit while we were playing outside and sure, I have no idea how to give children baths, but nobody had to be rushed to the emergency room and the house did not burn down and I did successfully cook a frozen pizza and I did clean the shit off my shoe without gagging. So there. It was a success. A 65-dollars-in-cash success. More like $u¢¢e$$.

The children's mama asked me if I have found a job yet. You know, small talk stuff. I gave the classic, vague answer of "I'm just figuring out my next step... Maybe I'll do some copy writing or maybe I'll get a seasonal job with the National Park Service or maybe I'll go back to school or maybe..." I didn't say all of those maybes, but I sure didn't give a clear answer -- mostly because I don't know the answer. Well, I know the answer to "have you found a job yet?" But lord help me if anyone wants me to give an answer to why I haven't found a job yet. I think I have been letting a job define me -- like, if I am unemployed, do I even exist? And I have to find the perfect job which will give me not only a paycheck, but a purpose, an identity. It doesn't have to be that way, though. And it shouldn't.

I need this break from the game of adulthood to sort out my thoughts, to get my head in the right place, to regain my health (both emotionally and physically), to stand strong in who I am regardless of anybody else or any title. It is an incredible luxury that I am even able to take some time off. So many people, often in much more dire circumstances, cannot afford to do this. I can't waste this time. I also can't let it overwhelm me. I can make progress if I take everything moment-by-moment. I tend to look at the big picture, the "end goal," but I fail to plan out the steps to get to where I want to go. So my goal right now is to take steps, even if I have the urge to leap right to the finish line. I have to be the tortoise in this race. Slow, perhaps, but at least I'm moving.

Suuuuch a serious post. Should be put into a private diary. Or published for the entire world to read. Whatever. What's done is done. But what hasn't been done yet is googling photos of tortoises. I'll be right back. Okay, here we go. Enjoy.

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