out

My fingertips are hurting again. At the same time, they are numb. Can numbness hurt? Yes, I guess it can. Very much so. Numbness is a large part of what prevents me from taking medication for depression. (And I'm not sure I even have depression? I think I have depressive states... as well as manic states... WHICH would point to bipolar. But then there's the whole Borderline Personality Disorder business. I guess one can have more than one mental illness. Isn't that reassuring?!? Life is a grab bag of disorders!) Anyway, my fingers. Bummer. There are a few things that make me not-so-paranoid about the numbness, though. One, this has happened before and it went away. Two, this happened at the same time last year. Three, I think it might have something to do with anemia? In which case, I am taking supplements and will hopefully be less of a vampire victim in no time... Or in at least a couple of months. So. No worries, mama, okay? It comes and goes, just like everything else. And if it doesn't go, then I'll get used to it, just like everything else.

Oh man oh man do I want to be outside. Do I want to be outside? I do. I just know that once I go outside I will be out there until the sun disappears. I know that's not a bad thing, especially since, you know, I have nothing else to do. But I want to "test" myself and try to balance out my day with other activities aside from wandering the streets in Orem with my eyes closed, face towards the sun. (Turns out I'm excellent at walking with no vision. The sun seems to be the only thing I need. And decent shoes.) Of course, my other activities tend to be the exact same activities day after day. Read. Write to do list for the day. Write, usually a blog post, but seriously consider picking back up on that novel-ish thing of mine. Read some more. Try to clean, try to organize various parts of the house, maybe take out the recycling. Eat, sort of. Run, mostly. Shower, maaaybe write, but mostly go outside for hours and hours and hours, eyes either closed or down on the pages of a book. Eventually I will wind down, maybe drink some tea, boil some eggs, look up recipes that will take me decades to actually make, read some more, and then find various ways to zone out, whether that's through the Internet, food, television, or a lethal combination of all three. There you go. The list of my daily activities, a list which you never knew you needed to know (you didn't need to know it, just so you know).

This schedule and these activities are not bad per se; it's only bad when I become so attached to how I do things and when I do them that I get legit anxiety if anything shifts or spontaneously happens. As a pseudo-Buddhist, shouldn't I be actively practicing non-attachment? And being in the moment? And making compassionate action my goal for each and every day? Yes, of course, and totally. It's going to take me seriously examining my life and my actions to make a change (or a couple of changes). It's going to take patience, perspective, and perseverance. I sound like a tired self-help author. I think I'll go help myself right now and stick my sweet face in the direction of the sun with nothing but the sky above me and possibilities ahead of me. Godspeed. Buddhaspeed. I'd high five you, but my fingers hurt.