Monday, February 8, 2016


Yesterday was a day when I finally felt like myself. I should put the word myself in quotes. Because... Well, what is the Self? I should have ended that question with "maaan." What is the Self, maaan? Are we all just, like, star stuff? Star dust? Stars? Yes, yes, and yes. Not stars as in movie stars, but stars as in luminous spheres of plasma held together by their own gravity. Turns out we're pretty rad.

So yesterday I felt as rad as a luminous sphere. Today I am still a luminous sphere, but do I feel like it? Not sure yet. Too soon to tell. But as evidence has shown, one day is on, the other is off. And if yesterday was definitely on, then... NO! It doesn't have to follow the pattern. Besides, maybe the pattern isn't that obvious or simple. Maybe there's more complexity to this pattern that I cannot yet see. Maybe, juuust maybe, there isn't even a pattern. Maybe it's all just a river and certain days are dams, other days are rapids.

One significant thing that made yesterday so grand was the simple act of sitting outside in the sun. I temporarily forgot how healing it is to sit. To sit and listen and not do a single damn thing. Hell, even take a second to close your eyes. But then open them again and look around, really look around. Just see things, don't say things -- not out loud, not in your head. The stories we tell ourselves over and over and over again more often than not get in the way. Sometimes our minds just need to flow and we need to float. We've done enough sinking as it is.

I want to remember this. I need to remember this. I need to give myself the space to stop, the space to exist. And if I forget? Well, all I have to do is look up into space and see myself, radiating across the dark canvas of the night sky.

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