Why am I writing these untrue words when I could be outside? Why am I writing about how I could be outside instead of being outside? Why isn't the outside inside of me at all times? Oh, but it is. At the same time, writing in the morning helps to center me. A little. Sometimes it completely sets me off balance, but such is the nature of writing. I could always take a notebook and pen outside (which I do), but my fingers want the click click click of the keyboard first thing in the day when the caffeine is hitting its peak. Can't help it. I've said "nature" and "peak" in the past few sentences and it is only a reminder of where I should be.
There are a lot of shoulds in my life; or rather, I give myself a lot of shoulds. I should not give myself so many shoulds, it's overwhelming. I should go to the gym, I should wear myself out at the gym, I should drink less caffeine, I should be more social, I should figure out what the hell I want to do with my life, I should not be so concerned with what I want to do with my life and instead just start living it, I should pay my bills (uh, I really should), I should get more sleep, I should take up yoga/rock climbing/knitting/miming, I should be productive, I should relax, I should meditate, I should apologize, I should ignore, I should confront, I should write a novel no a poem no a screenplay no a memoir no a letter to myself asking myself to drop the shoulds and pick up the pen. I should get a cat.
Not all shoulds are bad. Of course not. They can be great reminders, gentle nudgings. But when they become sticks with which to beat ourselves, they serve no purpose. ("with which to beat ourselves"? was that correct grammar? shut up, i don't care. rebel against the establishment! sorry for saying "shut up.") Today I am going to drop the shoulds like I should... And just see what happens. Meg, the experimenter and the newest Supreme Court Justice. I really should get a robe and gavel. Remind me.
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