Tuesday, February 2, 2016


Oh hey, if you haven't noticed, you made it through January. You survived. You are a strong motherfucker and I'm immensely proud of and in and around you. I'm proud around you, yes. That's what I typed. And why am I typing? Because the computer is on a desk in a room full of light. Light feels healing and it feels... light. Yes, judging by my limited vocabulary, you can safely assume that I have not taken a nap, that I am still running on fumes (and, wisely or not, caffeine), that it's a fact the brain needs zzzzz in order to do... things. Things.

And I am doing things! I am! It may not appear that way because my room is still a mess, my legs are still unshaven, my checking account is still rapidly inching towards empty -- but I assure you that I am progressing. My progression just may not be visible, that's all.

In what ways am I "doing things"? Well, for starters (and this is huge for me), I am easing up on my time at the gym. I always have this tinge of embarrassment when I talk about the gym. Gyms are meant for dicks and hoes, no? Kidding. But they kind of are. Anyway, long story short -- I am attempting to find some kind of balance when it comes to physical activity. Running is excellent for my depression and devastating for my recovery from an eating disorder. So. Buddha advocates the "middle way" and, well, the dude's been right on other things before. I trust him and now I just need to take his damn advice already.

I am also trying to "get out" more and try new foods, eat with other people, make and follow through with plans, listen to new music, watch captivating shows, read poetry out loud. These seem small and insignificant, but to me they aren't. I envelop myself with the familiar and stay like a statue in what I know, so to branch out is a big deal. And the more I do different, new, and somewhat frightening things, the easier and more rewarding it becomes.

So does anyone have any gold stars for me? Because I deserve at least two. Make that three. I am proud of myself for not giving up, for seeing areas in my life that are less than and putting in the effort to make them more. It can be exhausting, though, but then again maybe that exhaustion is just from the lack of sleep. Note: As tempting as it may be to drink almost two Rockstars and watch anime all night long, I would not recommend it. Then again, try it and see for yourself. Life is one experiment after another, is it not?

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