Okay, now that I got the serious post out of the way where I discussed fear and insecurity and authenticity and art making and whatever, I can write a all-over-the-place monkey mind post, no? No. I mean, yes. I mean, I get to decide. Yes or no, circle one, it's my decision.
Where to start. Let's start with Japan. Have I mentioned that, at the age of almost-32, I'm finally getting into anime? I can't remember the who what where when why or how, but here I am, at 2 in the morning watching large eyed girls with wings chase after crows and run into men with scary masks and... And I can't really remember what else is happening in this anime series I am watching, but it's charming. And surprisingly poetic.
Continuing with Japan -- what if I plan to teach English overseas? In a place very similar to Japan and/or Japan? They are so polite there! And smart and probably really good at karaoke and... And my grandmother would be so disappointed. She was in her 20s during WWII, so... I am using a lot of ellipses in this post. I think it's because words are not coming so easily to me today and it is frustrating. They didn't come to me yesterday, either. I went nuts with posts a few days ago... Maybe it drained me of all words except for words having to do with Japan? I don't even want to write about Japan. I don't even want to write (dot dot do) right now.
Last night I had a dream that there were three moons. I only saw two at first, which did not seem abnormal to me. But then a stranger on the street pointed up and said, "See?" And I saw. And it was the color of coral and it was floating there alone in the busy ocean of the night sky. I tried taking a photo, but I had lost my camera. I stood in awe instead.
It's snowing. Again. It keeps doing this and it keeps messing with my head. Do I love it? Do I fear it? Do I wish I was sitting in a quiet cabin in Vermont or lying down on the sand dunes in Death Valley? I've never been to Vermont, but I hear it's progressive and small. I've been to Death Valley and I've slept on its sand dunes. It was February, the sand was warm, I slept soundly.
I might give in and eat something now. I am not hungry, but I can't keep craving emptiness.
So maybe I won't go to Japan anytime soon. Maybe I won't leave words all over a screen today or tomorrow or yesterday. Maybe I will turn to the page instead. My hand misses the pen's connection. My hand misses connection. My, I miss connection.