restore

It is a terrifying disease.

To put it mildly.

Imagine spending at least -- AT LEAST -- 90% of your mental energy focused on when you will go to the gym, how long you will run, what you will and will not eat, who you will avoid in order to first serve your obsession, how much you hate yourself for having that extra bite, how many calories are in your toothpaste/stick of gum/antacids and how you can make up for the 5/10/15 calories. Imagine how each day would be a chore, how every morning you wake up only to realize that you are still stuck in your nightmare. Your head remains foggy and your heart heavy. You drag yourself to work, hoping for an escape so you can check off your own demanding tasks as quickly as possible. Maybe you can fake sick to get out of that meeting so you can hit the treadmill before your expend all of your physical energy on "meaningless" duties. And you will definitely come up with an excuse to get out of getting coffee with an old friend because, well, sitting around talking in no way fits into your rigid schedule. Your lonely schedule. The schedule that is quickly, and quite literally, killing you.

It has to stop. I know this. I think I finally know this. I know this, but I have an extremely difficult time actually taking the steps to make all of this stop and to start getting better.

But today I will eat. I will eat even though I know I really, really, really won't want to. (But secretly I want to. Deep down I so desperately want to.) I will eat a banana and maybe even an egg and be okay. I will be better than okay, I will be nourished. Slightly. I know I need to up my intake of food, but it has to be gradually. I can only crawl right now, not leap.

It is my task today (hold me to it) to come up with new tasks. I like schedules; in fact, I adore schedules. I want schedules to be my Valentine. In order to not abandon my Valentine so close to that blasted red and pink holiday, I must tweak a few things. I will let you know what these things are when I come up with them. In any case, they will include far more perfectly ripe bananas and far fewer minutes on machines.

And now for a quote by a dude name Steve Maraboli: "Today is a new day. Don't let your history interfere with your destiny! Let today be the day you stop being a victim of your circumstances and start taking action towards the life you want. You have the power and the time to shape your life. Break free from the poisonous victim mentality and embrace the truth of your greatness. You were not meant for a mundane or mediocre life!"

I love you. And I am beginning to love myself. Maybe this year I can be my own damn Valentine. Finally.