I will give a million dollars to the first person who can successfully keep me from obsessing over my doctor's appointment this afternoon at 3. Why 3:00, doc?! Can't we just get this over with? No? Fine. Then I'll need a distraction. And this is where you come in! A million dollars is waiting. Sure, it may be a million doll hairs, but each hair on the head of my childhood dolls is worth far more than one US dollar. So you are actually receiving more than a million dollars. You are practically a new Koch brother! But I'm getting ahead of myself. You haven't earned the million doll hairs yet.
Let's see... Monkey mind/popcorn maker brain isn't swinging around/popping too much this morning. It is actually focused on one thing for a change. Let me change that. I actually want my baboon brain back. What better way to do this than to answer these probing questions I found on Tumblr?
Ugh. How about ten?
1. last beverage → Tea! Herbal! Bengal Spice! It has a tiger on the front of the tea box. Who invented the tiger? Do you think it was the same man who invented the top hat? And if so, why do we not have a national holiday celebrating this fine inventor? I mean, if that asshole Chris Columbus gets a day, surely the inventor of the tiger and top hat should get one, too. One, too. One two three four. Four fine inventions: the tiger, the top hat, tea, and Tumblr.
2. last phone call → Work! To tell them I had to go to the vampire doctor today! Crap, survey! You are doing a lousy job at distracting me!
3. last instant message → Wait, what? Goofball question.
4. last song you listened to → It was either a really corny smooth jazz tune or some freaky spacey electronica song. I can't remember which one, but I was listening to the radio last night while putting all of my anxiety into making the most boring loaf of bread. Whatever I was listening to put me in a weird trance and I eventually had to turn it off because it was turning me into an alien. So it was probably the electronica song, huh?
5. last time you cried → Surprisingly it wasn't today! Well, technically it was today. I cried at, like, 2:37am.
How about just five truths? This got super boring super fast. But it was a distraction! Kinda! Now to take out the trash, sweep the floor, do the dishes, wash my clothes, wash my hair, wash my brain, wash my tiger who got so muddy playing around in the backyard with my monkey wearing a top hat full of popcorn. Hey, maybe I'm the one who deserves a million doll hairs! And I shall use all of those hairs from my childhood dolls to purchase new blood cells. Dream big, kid!