aware

I am in a sliiiiightly grumpy mood this morning. (I wonder how many times I have used the word "grumpy" in my posts over these past few months? It sadly wouldn't surprise me if the number was at least 19.) I want to figure out why I feel this way -- end of the week, lack of sleep, fear? Yes. Yes to all! Except not the first one. And not really the middle one. So I guess it's fear.

I have recently written about this, I think, but I handle fear by getting pissed off. Mostly it's me getting pissed off at myself. "Your hair looks stupid, Meg. Why do you wear such stupid looking pajamas? Those leggings look stupid with that stupid dress. You are stupid for wearing that color of eyeshadow. You can't finish a book in two days? You must be such a stupid stupid head, Meghan!" Isn't that just the worst? Do you also have that inner critic? What a little bastard/bitch that critic always is. Like, THEY are the real grump. We -- our REAL selves, if you will -- are the victim.

I don't want to be a victim of that critic anymore. I don't want a critic at all. I want a conscience. I want Jiminy Cricket on my shoulder with his little umbrella and top hat. But god please don't make it an actual cricket. They freak me out. Make it a... Potato bug. A roly poly. For some unknown reason, I am absolutely fine with those pill bugs. Pill bugs! Pills and bugs! My two favorite things! Okay, back to having a conscience. Yes, so I would like that "still, small voice," the thing that helps me make happy, ethically sound decisions. The thing that makes me a caring, considerate, compassionate human being.

I'd like to think that I do have this inside of me, that I've always had it. It's just been covered up by a lot of gunk. I've buried it in various neuroses. That innate goodness frightens me because it gives me power. And when one has power, one has great responsibility. One has to show up for life. I tend to be one who favors disappearing -- I play hide and seek with myself. Well, dammit, hide and seek gets boring after awhile. Sometimes you want to play tag. Sometimes you want to play a team sport. Sometimes you don't want to play at all and would rather stop and enjoy the scenery.

So here I am with my white flag. I might even have a giant target on my back, I don't know. Point is, I am here. I am shaking, but standing. I will strip myself bare and allow my bones to be bleached by the sun I've kept hidden by clouds for too long.

That critic can go take a hike. I've got a cricket instead. (And by "cricket" I mean a pill bug in a pillbox hat.) Hey, my mood has slightly shifted! I am going to keep shifting it until I am the most obnoxious, sunniest, sweetest spirit around! Or at least so I am not a garbage monster. Why would I want to keep eating trash when I can seek out and devour the world's greatest burrito? Look. That made way more sense in my head. A lot of things do. On that note, may you have a bitchin' Friday, folks! Stop playing hide and seek! Go out and conquer the world! And eat a decent meal!