What a morning. I am still in a strange headspace which I can't seem to shake. Yes, I am again tired and congested, desperately in need of a nap and a new nasal passage. But I am also out of sorts due to being "forced" to confront all of those beautiful issues I have ignored for too long. The main issue being, of course, my eating disorder.
I went in to the doctor's today to talk about my wonky hands, which we did, but the doctor mostly wanted to address ED. I wasn't prepared for it whatsoever. It took me off guard. But that's okay. It was more than okay. It was necessary. It took a stranger to help me realize just how sick I have become. Correction: I still don't fully realize it, but I at least know thing are definitely not okay.
Did I mention I am tired? Because I am. And I am currently feeling slightly worn out with discussing the details of today's visit. It's not that I am uncomfortable with talking about ED. In fact, it's quite the opposite. I wish to have an open dialogue about this devastating illness. I do not want it to be a taboo subject any longer. I just need some... space. Just an evening to sort through my own thoughts and emotions privately before publishing them for all of the world/a smattering of people to read.
I guess I just wanted to let you know that I am physically in a pretty effed up place right now, but that I do desire to get better and that there is, finally, some hope. I am going to hang on to that hope while I hang on to my remaining health and seek much brighter lands. Because those lands are out there. They are close, they are bountiful, they are inviting. I am weary of this frozen, meager wasteland. Time to move on.