fizzle

I have noticed a pattern in my days over these past couple of months. The pattern is simply one awesome awesome totally rad-as-crap day followed by a total freakout meltdown grumpy-as-crap day. The highs and lows, people! It's too much. And I begin to expect the bad days. I assume, I fill in the blanks, I give in. At this point I've considered making a calendar of good days/bad days. Like, Monday, Wednesday, Thursday, Saturday -- crap. Tuesday, Friday, Sunday -- rad. Except I like Mondays sometimes. And Tuesdays are hard because they are still at the very beginning of the work week. Except now I'm beginning to really like work (shocking!). Plus, "Ruby Tuesday" is a terrific song. Ruby Tuesdays is not a terrific restaurant, but it reminds me of being with my family in Park City. But we are usually shopping at the outlet mall when we eat at Ruby Tuesdays and shopping makes my anxiety skyrocket. But yeah, this pattern of good/bad has to stop. Assuming from the get-go that the day will definitely be one way or another is not a fun way to live. And if you haven't figured it out by now, I'm ALL ABOUT FUN THESE DAYS.

So yesterday was GREAT. Guess what? Today will be great! I know I just said that I don't want to assume a day will be one way or another, but I believe at this point if I can't completely zen out and be in the present moment, it's best that I assume a day will be a rad-as-crap day. It is probably more vital to me at this point than I realize.

Okay! Monkey mind won't sit still! And writing about schedules is so boring! I just realized this. My deepest apologies.

I want in my heart of hearts to become a better writer. I'm not doing much about this aside from writing in a journal-like blog daily. Hey, at least it's something. Plus, I read a lot. Writers must be good readers! But I also use a lot of exclamation marks and adjectives and "ands." I just feel sloppy and lazy lately with my words. It doesn't help that I am currently reading one of the greatest books I have ever read. I didn't think it was possible for me to feel more self-conscious than I already am, but Steinbeck has done it. Thanks for nothin', Steinbeck!

Sigh. I'm struggling this morning. I know it's still fairly early, but I try to be as productive as possible early in the day before I hit my wall around 2pm. Looks like that wall came early. Or I came to it. Which came first? Meg or the wall? And why do we keep hitting each other? Time for me to try climbing over it.

I think I'll sit outside with my tea and East of Eden. Sometimes not being productive is the most productive thing one can do.