on off on off and on and on and

My monkey mind has turned into an absolutely terrified and out of control mind. :( Yes, I used an emoticon in a post. I very rarely do that unless I mean it. And I really mean it. Big old fat frowny face. The day started off okay. Something felt off, though, which wasn't too surprising since I tend to have an "on" day followed by an "off" day. Yesterday was a pretty on day. I had my moments, but nothing major freaked me out and, gasp, I was in a wonderful mood later in the evening. Just splendid! I was hilarious! Charming! Creative! Hopefully at least a little bit considerate! On the top of my game. And so. Today.

Sigh.

I don't think I will get into it, though. I don't have the energy, both physically and mentally, to explain my behavior. I will only say that I feel a lot of regret. I'm embarrassed, deeply saddened, and frustrated. Not that those emotions are difficult for me to feel... Perhaps I've peaked your interest? Do not worry. Maybe it was just a bad day. But it wasn't. It was a beautiful day. It was spring-like. Kids were kinder than ever to me. I heard freaking birds singing in the freaking majestic trees for freak's sake. I don't know. It worries me how downright depressed I can get in such ideal circumstances. And it really worries me how lightening fast I can snap when something doesn't go my way. Who am I? This isn't me.

At least there's that small hope that tomorrow will be an on day, right? At least there's that. And at least I can drown my gloominess tonight in a mug of tea and a tray of ice cubes. At least, at least.

I am sorry. I am sorry for any worry I cause you. I worry enough for all of us that none of you gentle souls ever needs to worry! I got this! I got your back! But maybe it's time for me to start having my own back. I can't keep competing with myself. I can't keep breaking because eventually the pieces won't fit back together. I want to be whole, not full of holes. Just once.