Tuesday, February 3, 2015


As the astute and loyal reader that you are, you may recall that I love rainy days. Well, upon waking, my room was flooded with light! What the hell! Not true. My room was not flooded with anything but odd phrases pulled from the realm of dreams. (One such phrase which I believe I shall use as the title of the memoir I'll never get around to writing: Unreasonable Adjustments to Everyday Life) But when I pulled back my curtains, there was light. And it was good. Did I create the light? I did not. Morning light and a memoir: two things I will never produce because 1) I am not the sun and 2) I have a hard time meeting deadlines.

It is supposed to be a rainy day today, yes? There is an 80% chance of afternoon showers and and and... And you didn't really come here to read a weather report. Did you know I always fast forward through the weather when I watch the news? I know the weather is important. But I only have so much space in my brain and heart for important stuff. I am resigned to pick and choose which important things end up in my filing cabinets. Sometimes I have to add a bit of fluff so that the sharp corners don't draw blood.

May the gods smile (or cry?) down upon me and our dry earth and give the gift of rain. Give the gift of rain! Today! For only 1,997 easy payments of $1,997. That would be... Hold on a second... $3,988,009 for a day of rain. Sold.

This post is scattered again, sure, but maybe not as much because I am trying my damnedest to not drink caffeine. And that brings me to one quick observation: I feel like an Onion article or some kind of character in some kind of comedy sketch. Like, hello, folks! It's me, white middle class American girl, age 30! Caffeine makes me bonkers and I am going to quit it and it is, like, the biggest deal ever. And are you cold? Brrrr. And ugh, split ends! Should I cut bangs? I can't decide whether or not to go to the grocery store. I just hate crowds, you know? But I need my organic kale. Ugh, why is someone messaging me on Facebook? Facebook is soooo stressful. Life is soooo stressful.

And so on.

I don't want to go on being this "ugh, blah, I feel weird" girl. I don't even want to be a GIRL, dammit! Not surprising you with news that I am transgendered, because I'm not, just surprising you with the news that I want to grow up. I guess I'm saying I want to be, um, a woman? I mean, technically I became a woman back in the 8th grade in my bathroom at home while wearing an oversized Les Misérables sweatshirt, but now I really want to grow up. I need to start mellowing out and begin zeroing in on what I truly want. I can't keep focusing on the small annoyances in life and turning them into massive tragedies. I am not always a victim unless I make myself one. No more of that, though. I am going to make myself into a woman! Hear me roar! No more whispering! And I am going to make myself a sandwich! Eventually! Hear me spread so much wasabi on that sandwich! No more denying that I like bizarre sandwiches! Bon appétit!

I hope it rains today, though. The clouds clear my head. And I have a lot of thinking to do and memoirs to write.

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