Saturday, February 28, 2015


I have had the Hot Pocket jingle stuck in my head for over 12 hours. And all it really is is the phrase "Hot Pocket!" There isn't even much of a tune. Just the word "hot" and the word "pocket." Sometimes I get phrases stuck in my head. A common one is, "Everything's coming up Milhouse!" As any intelligent, cultured human knows, that is from the best show of all-time. No, not Dharma and Greg. Remember that show? Damn that show for ruining the name Dharma forevermore. I would have definitely named my ageless adopted Asian daughter Dharma if it hadn't been for Jenna Elfman.

So! I've gotten my Hot Pocket and Jenna Elfman references out of the way. Now for the real meat of this post! Meat.

I don't crave it right now because I am too hopped up on caffeine (mistakes, we all make 'em!) and I also ate dinner at, like, 2:30am while watching Ancient Aliens on the History Channel. Do you know about the Star Children? That shit is so crazy. Crazier than the fact that you can slip this frozen turnover into a paper pocket, microwave it for a mere 2 minutes, and then have a cheesy feast for your SOUL. It's soul food. Anyway, for the past, oh, I don't know, four years I have craved bloody meat. Like, a big slab of medium raw beef. I feel very conflicted about this because I grow weak in the knees at the sight of a furry calf, but I have also grown weak allover due to my lack of meat. Lack of meat on my bones, lack of meat in my diet. I am going to receive a lot of hate from some vegans out there. I can take it. Maybe I deserve it. Maybe I also deserve a fine steak dinner in a fine paper pocket.

Did you know that sometimes I make bribes with inanimate objects? Of course you didn't know this -- unless you are living in my head? Unless you are me? Is this all some sort of Fight Club shit? For example, this morning I told my contact that I would give it a thousand dollars if it would simply go into my eye properly. And it worked! But now I need to ask you for a favor... If there's any way you could lend me a few dollars (a thousand to be exact), it would be totally appreciated. Cool, thanks.

The sky is cloudy! The wind is howling! This weather is better than Dharma, definitely better than Greg, and almost better than ancient aliens. And I can actually eat food if I want! Isn't that amazing? Saturday just became cool. No, it became hot. Saturday has become a hot pocket.

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