clue(less)

Somebody please explain, in 140 characters or less, why I was in a miraculously good mood today. There isn't any one particular reason why I was other than the weather. BUT, as you may have read/skimmed in my last post, the beautiful sunny glorious very unusual weather can be torturous for me if I can't be outside to enjoy it. So maybe it wasn't the weather. I don't think the fact that it is Friday played too much into my groovy mood, either. What I believe it to be is this: I spent up all of my adrenaline and anxiety and nastiness yesterday. My brain and body are, like, "Peace out. Can't do that meltdown again today. We're going to take a prolonged smoke break." Except my brain and body aren't smokers. They take smoke breaks so they can go outside and check Twitter for a solid five minutes. Hey, break away whenever you have the chance.

Gosh gosh gosh, I feel pretty bizarre around this time of the day. My "off" time used to be around 3pm, but now it has become 5:39pm. It is difficult to explain, but it feels as if I am a ghost in a dream. So basically I am doubly translucent. I might even be a ghost in a coma in a dream within a dream. I am removed, detached, withdrawn. My brain experiences technical difficulties and the whole world becomes static. I truly cannot do anything during this time other than crouch next to the heater vent and close my eyes and wait. Eventually it passes and I feel almost reborn. Thoughts trickle back in and inspiration slowly emerges. I can breathe and be somewhat solid again. I don't have to remain crouched and closed. It's a gosh gosh gosh darn relief.

Hey! I just wrote through my crappy spell! I survived! Okay, I still feel kind of ghostlike. Is that creepy? Worrisome? Don't worry, sometimes these things just happen. I am trying my damnedest to simply "let things happen." It is extremely difficult because I like to control control control and I can't help but get carried away with my endless supply of concerns. Holding on to these little neurotic thoughts does nothing but raise my blood pressure. And it turns me into a monster, which is what happened yesterday. I don't want high blood pressure and I don't want to be a monster. I want to be an owl with magical powers or at the very least Nancy Drew with a clue in a clock. What time is it? Nancy asks. 5:39pm, replies the owl. Not a very good mystery, no. But that's okay because I'm not looking to solve anything; I just want to survive.