witness

Heeey... I just realized something. Let me type it down before it disappears. My insights tend to vanish quickly only to be replaced by the same old neurotic thoughts. (That was not my realization.) I realized that it's okay to be annoyed and frustrated and angry. Hmmm. This isn't as profound as it seemed in my head. Okay, let me try again: For the past few weeks, I have begun to RETURN TO MY ROOTS and allow my freak flag to fly as frickin' high as it wants. In other words, I'm becoming an obnoxious pseudo-hippie wannabe shaman future Dalai Lama bodhisattva babe. Ugh. Even just typing that was semi-irritating. BUT SO BE IT! I have been feeling great! And not always manic, false-sense-of-well-being great, but calm and clearheaded great. I'll take it. Oh, lord/buddha I'll take it. So I'll be groovin' along with these groovy vibes when suddenly something or someone will get on my nerves and I'll snap. I just snap right out of that wooey wooey loving mode and end up being, well, a gnarly bitch.

This shift in attitude is so disheartening to me. I think, "Well, gee whiz. I'll never be the next Jetsun Jamphel Ngawang Lobsang Yeshe Tenzin Gyatso (THIS IS HIS HOLINESS' FULL NAME I SWEAR GO LOOK IT UP). You are such a screw up and a phony, Meghan." Oh good. That negative self-talk is sure to make things better. Sarcasm. It does nothing to make things better. It only further waters the seed of hatred. And, you know, I forget that I am human. Humans have emotions. Humans should have emotions. I should be grateful that I am able to experience a whole myriad of human emotions -- they are so fascinating, endlessly teaching lessons, and potentially great vehicles on the road to enlightenment.

Amen!

But seriously, my new goal is to stop judging every emotion that comes my way and instead be a witness to it, observe what it does and how it arises and how is dissipates. This kind of observation will clear the water rather than add more mud. It is through this process that I will finally become allies with my mind and the world around me (which, by the way, is created in my mind -- TRIPPY).

I keep writing all of these serious posts, man. I am such a loser! Kidding. I guess there is a time and place for playful writing and apparently the time and place is not right now. But will it be the time and place in the next now? Or the now after the next now? Or the next now after the now that comes after the next now? Now I am not making sense. Perfect. I am perfectly not making perfect sense, which is and always will be perfect.