deliberate

I wish I knew how to organize my thoughts a little better. Believe it or not, I have this reserve of energy and about a million ideas and plans. The energy only goes so far, so I have to use it wisely. But what is it that matters most to me? Or if not most, at least a lot? Lately I've been noticing areas in my life that are not congruent with my morals. They may be little things, such as driving my car to the gym that is less than a mile away and running on an energy sucking machine (actually, this probably isn't as little as I think), but they are still things. I know it's not realistic to be a "saint," to unceasingly walk the walk, but I could at least make an effort to not be all hat and no cattle. Yes. You heard me. All hat and no cattle. I'm tired.

Some of you cynics out there are gonna roll your damn eyes at what I'm about to say, but my ultimate goal every day and in life is to be the most compassionate human I can be. I fail miserably at this. Often. I grumble, I snap, I avoid, I stroke my ego, I tear myself down, I tear others down, I scream, I remain silent, I fail fail fail. Yet, miraculously (or stupidly?), I dust myself off and try again to be gentle, loving, humane. And sometimes (again, miraculously) I even succeed.

Did I mention I'm tired? Where is that reserve of energy I was speaking of earlier? I think I just need to charge my batteries out in the sun. My desperate need to be outside has gotten to the point where it is ridiculous and nearly unrealistic. Oh well. Better to be ridiculous than to be stuck in a costly, creepy basement apartment.

Okay, so I think I've got it -- I believe my thoughts would not be so cluttered if my daily life wasn't so cluttered. That's a big "duh," right? I want to jump on that "life-changing magic of tidying up" bandwagon. (Truth be told, I jumped on that bandwagon way before it was cool. Like, I'm totally hipstered out in every area of my freakin' life.) I don't want to own stuff. It might be the caffeine speaking, but I HATE STUFF WITH MY WHOLE COLD HEART. I want, like, an outfit. One. One outfit and maybe a monk's robe. I want to reuse. I want to use until the item is no longer functioning. I want to lose what I don't need in order to gain peace of mind. Good lord I have a lot of stuff. I definitely have my work cut out for me. Where do I begin? I guess I should reread that tidying up book, huh. Or maybe I can just hire a dump truck to haul away all my shit. Yeah, I like that second idea the best.

In the words of Allen Ginsberg, "O victory forget your underwear we're free."