Wednesday, March 30, 2016


Toooo much time in my head ohhhh too too too much time in my head. Everybody! Sing it with me! Too much time in my head la la la la lalaaaa.

This is why people my age have careers, families, obnoxious baby wrap companies, etc. To take the focus off of themselves or at least to remain constantly busy. Keep busy, keep sane. I mean, you'll be "insane" in the way where you're, like, "Argh! Work/my toddler/this new baby wrap pattern is driving me cuckoo!" But then you come home in the evening and watch your Netflix and drink your locally sourced fermented mushroom tea or whatever and all is well.

Deep breath.

Seriously, I just took a ginormous breath and I have been holding it for roughly twelve seconds and now I have to cough. Okay. At least I stopped myself. And that breath actually had a calming effect. I guess I will get that "breathe" tramp stamp tattoo after all. Reminders, yeah? Yeah.

But here's what I really have to remind myself to do:

*Keep going.
*Drink a lot of water. Who cares if you end up wetting your leggings on your walk through the town of Kanab and have to throw away your leggings in a dumpster outside of a cheap motel? Who cares? At least you're hydrated.

I must also remind myself often often often to not expect. Don't expect, just accept. I guess I should expect respect and not accept disrespect. But you know what I mean. I can't keep starting (and continuing and ending) the day with expectations of exactly how something should be, how exactly someone should act, how exactly everything will play out. Because guess what? That is silly. That is the perfect set-up for disappointment. And my disappointment comes across as extreme grumpiness and self-hatred. Bad aura, bad vibes. I don't want to be that person. I want to be that person who radiates something some might call "compassion" or "grooviness." Ideally both.

How do I become this person? How do I shake off those darker feelings? First off, I must approach the feelings with curiosity and, yes, acceptance. We are a natural and healthy mix of both light and dark. The darkness is there to either warn us or teach us, usually both. I don't try to cover it up by sweeping it under any kind of rug (rugs come in many different forms, by the way). I remain open and flexible; I work with what I have been given. I let go of expectations and free myself from disappointments, from grumpiness, from self-hatred.

I'm rambling. I'm a-ramblin' and a-gamblin' and actually not really gamblin' anymore. I don't gamble with my emotions or the emotions of others as much as I used to. I got to give myself credit for the progress I have made over the past couple of years. I have matured, whether I consciously realize it or not. I have become more stable, on the whole, and quicker to work through and move past depressive, destructive episodes.

I finally have the desire to build up rather than tear down. No, not build up walls -- I will tear those mothereffers down. What I wish to build up is myself and others, to not tear down the fragility that is within each of us. We're all just trying, dear babies, and all we need to do for ourselves and each other is to be kind. Just. Be. Kind.

And don't forget to breathe every once in awhile.

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