whole

I diiiiid it! I did it! I ran better today than I have in a couple of weeks. Just slightly better, but slightly better is an improvement and I am looking for any and every improvement in my health these days. More on that in a sec. So yes, I ran better -- I could have just been fueled by annoyance, however. Being annoyed is one of nature's energy drinks. I wasn't annoyed by anything important, such as the treatment of the water crisis in Flint by officials or Donald's penis. No, no. I was, of course, annoyed by the smallest, most insignificant things strangers at the gym were doing. Like, you know, talking. But I stand by my opinion that if you are talking loudly at the gym, especially about the laaaamest crap, you aren't really working out. WHATEVER. Who cares! Chill pill it, Meg. KAVA KAVA it, Meg. Have I mentioned how well kava works for me? It turns me into a bowl of jelly who wants nothing more than a pair of bongo drums and a big fat doobie. (Google "doobie," Mom! Love you!)

Oh yeah. So my health. Yesterday I was, without the help of kava, a loving human being. What the hell! What got into me! The weather?! Always, always blame/thank the weather for any mood. If it hasn't been obvious, I have been struggling yet again with my eating disorder. Feeling helpless, hopeless. Helpless and hopeless are probably the two worst things one can feel when fighting any kind of mental illness. I was kinda just apathetic. It felt as if I was flirting with ED again and that ED and I were considering moving in together again, "rekindling our toxic romance," if you will. But for whatever reason, seemingly out of nowhere, I was hit with a sudden wave of HOPE and DETERMINATION yesterday. Motivation, inspiration, all of the positive -tions.

I believe this spark was a result of refocusing my attention. Switching my perspective. Reminding myself of what is ultimately important. In other words, a waist is a terrible thing to mind. Rather, I should be focusing on my health. It's so simple and yet it is immensely complicated. I know. I'm finding it difficult to explain what it is exactly I am feeling concerning my diet, but let me assure you it is positive, it is sound, it isn't based on fear. It is based on compassion. I want what I consume to benefit -- or at least not harm -- myself, others, animals, and the planet. That can't be so hard, right? Actually, no. It's not hard as long as I remain mindful and diligent. GEE WHIZ! I sure don't sound like a woman who just an hour ago silently screamed expletives at sweaty macho men, do I? Guess I'm kind of a grab bag. What'll you get this time? Monster Meg or Mahatma Gandhi Meg? Tear open the bag and find out!

Anyway, yes. Tofu. Nuts. Seeds. Fruits, vegetables, Lara Bars, seitan, almond milk, Ben & Jerry's Non-Dairy Chunky Monkey. Whole grains, whole foods, whole lotta gas at first. I can do this. I want to do this. I want to be me again, even if that me is sometimes plagued by the thought of Donald Trump's junk.