Tuesday, March 1, 2016


So how much space is Fuller House taking up in your brain? Be honest, don't be pretentious. I haven't even seen the new show, but I'll tell you what -- it still haunts my dreams. Well, it haunted my dreams once. And it wasn't even haunting. It was disturbingly sexy. Forgive me if I've already told you this, but in my dream I was Uncle Jesse's sexy teacher. I don't know what kind of teacher aside from a sexy one, but what matters is that Uncle Jesse was my pupil, not Danny. Danny can rot in hell. Except he would never rot. He's too clean for that.

Now that I've gotten my required Fuller House paragraph out of the way, let me get far more serious. Super Tuesday. The elections. The future of America. Impending doom. Fleeing the country. Settling into a small, yet fully furnished and relatively comfortable Bulgarian apartment. Swine flu. Remember the swine flu? That sucked. I remember flying to Austin, Texas during the swine flu and being sooo paranoid that I might catch it. So I took those Wellness Formula vitamins that smell and taste like manure and practically injected myself with vitamin C (the actual vitamin, not the pop singer from the early 2000s) and frequently washed my hands (already did that anyway thanks to my OCD) and poof -- I was free of any and every swine. I didn't even eat pork in Texas! Well, I may have. I can't remember. The things I do remember about my weekend in Austin: eating okra for the first time, eating the best and most expensive trout in the world, ordering an artichoke for dessert and having no idea how to eat it, breaking the rules and getting a holy holy holy tattoo on Halloween night at a parlor fittingly called Black Cats just because my friend had to use the bathroom and, well, paying customers only! I remember some hipster kid who may have also been a skinhead (?!?!) trying so hard to "hook up" with me (HE FAILED). I dressed up like Bob Dylan. I walked around neighborhoods full of mansions and weeping willows with Rob. Oh, and there was some kind of newspaper conference that I sort of attended and learned virtually nothing from, mostly because I was too busy writing funny notes to Rob. So. Austin. What a city.

I know you care so much and are so curious, but I am back from the gym. I "took it easy" again today, which is a nice thing to do for my body, but man is it psychologically hard. I am so used to pushing myself and going going going. Purposely cutting my exercise time in half? Not easy, but smart. Smart things aren't easy. It's easy to be stupid. Plus, with my anemia flaring up again, I literally can't run as long or as fast as I used to. This has probably been the hardest part. I can't even push myself if I wanted to. Grumble grumble. It's ultimately not a big deal -- there are people out there who can't afford housing or food. There are black kids being shot by cops. There are refugees dying and children starving and women being raped and so on and so on. I just needed to vent for a minute. And this is my blog. I am supposed to vent and discuss Fuller House and reminisce about a school trip I took almost seven years ago. Blogs.

Shower time. Why must I tell you this every day? Who knows. I'm such a tease!

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