Thursday, March 17, 2016


I've missed you! Were you worried that I had run off to Bulgaria with a basket full of cats and pockets full of pills? Because I was thinking about it. Instead I bought a burrito. A massive one. One almost as large as the country of Bulgaria. This is big news, people, whether it seems like it or not. I don't buy, let alone eat, Bulgaria-sized burritos. It has been my habit to isolate myself allllll day long, hungry and homeless. Well, not homeless homeless, but wandering around outside. Yeah yeah, the outside is my home. I get that. Point is, I am attempting to step outside of both my head and my habits and just go with whatever is going on. I will eat lunch, whether I want to or not. I will separate myself from my inner critic. The inner critic is just the world's worst roommate and I am simply waiting for the right time to tell him/her that they gotta move out. I am dropping hints. I think my inner critic is starting to suspect something is afoot. Afoot! I used the word "afoot." And why not?

So I have been optimistic. I have been making what I consider to be huge improvements and strides forward. I hope I have been kinder, calmer, and less of a hangry horror. I have also been quietly nervous about this motivation suddenly disappearing. It tends to do that, you know? I get on these kicks. I get excited and energetic about this or about that and then -- I fizzle. And I fizzle fast. It's not only frustrating, it's disconcerting. If I lose interest so quickly, then how can I trust myself with any emotion/idea/plan? I sometimes feel like I can't.

Then again, it doesn't help me to be in the mindset of "all or nothing." Recovery is never and will never be black and white. You can't just decide one day that you are "cured" and then be cured. You can, however, decide that you are worth it, that your life and your health are worth it. You can decide to not be crestfallen when you inevitably fall. You can decide to reexamine, refocus, and rebound. Each fall will be less and less painful, each setback will be less and less damaging. Also, do not forget the steps you've taken forward. All of the forward steps, no matter how minuscule, count for something. You are doing well. You will keep doing well. Good job, you.

Notice all of the "yous" in that last paragraph? I sure did after awhile. Was I distancing myself from what I was preaching? And why? Or maybe I was simply writing to myself, to the part of me that is still struggling. Maybe I'm reading too much into each word I type and should instead let it go, just like I let go of the need to be in control, to be perfect. IT IS SUCH A RELIEF. I dare you to try it sometime. Just pretend, if even for 59 seconds, that you are perfect exactly how you are in that moment. Because guess what? You absolutely are. And I absolutely am.

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