navigate

Are we free yet from the weird moon vibes? I am not so sure. I feel myself slipping back into looniness. Then again, maybe it's just because it's a Monday. Oh, what? It's a Friday? Could've fooled old unemployed me.

Unemployed. I forgot about that whole situation I'm in. You know, the situation of being really poor and relying heavily on the generosity of my parents. Oy vey. I can't go into it too much right now because I am afraid it will drive me over the edge and into the land of the loons, but something huge which keeps me up at night is the fact that I am in my 30s and living at home without a career, family, or any of the other markers of adulthood. Most of the time I don't even feel like much of an adult. I feel like a perpetual child, stuck in this fictional, Peter Pan world where no one grows up and there will always be a safety net beneath me. This -- all of this -- is a therapist's dream (if the therapist loves work) or a therapist's nightmare (if the therapist is a lazy ass). I believe a lot of my "issues" stem from the fact that I a) cling to childhood and b) feel out of control in most areas of my life.

NO MORE. No more of talking about that. For now. No, I wasn't taking a stand against my inner demons by declaring, "No more!" I'm not there quite yet. At least I am now paying attention to my habitual behaviors and not letting myself ignore what I have for so long pushed aside. Those things have got to count for something, right? But where do I go from here? I have poor navigational skills. And it is a good sign that I am interested in so many things, that I am curious to explore a variety of paths, but I also lack decision making skills. And have I mentioned I get distracted? And disinterested? And desirous of some place just a little bit better than where I currently am? I desperately need to learn the art of sticking-with-things. But maybe most importantly I need to stop weighing every single option until it no longer exists and instead dive in and trust my limbs, heart, and soul to know how to swim. To trust oneself, to forgive oneself, to just simply see what happens is both the test and the reward. It is the key to freedom, the way out of your own prison.

And now for some photos. They have nothing to do with what I have written above. They are just cool photos. (Hang in there. The moon still loves us.)