Sunday, December 6, 2015


I HAVE AN EXCUSE. I have not been writing because my computer totally died. Totally. Bit the dust. Filled with dust, dust broke the fan, overheated, burned up some kind of board or drive or whatever. All I know is that it is no longer with us. Scattered the computer's ashes all over this land, some of it may even be in your land/dinner. That's right, I snuck some of my computer's ashes into your Hot Pocket. Sorry you are eating a Hot Pocket for dinner. Maybe add some guacamole? Fancy it up.

Snuck is not a word. But clearly it is because I used it. It exists because I used it. Them's the rulez.

So anyway, my old computer can rot in hell/be eaten with guacamole. I have a new li'l device, which can sometimes be referred to as a "computer." But it is so tiny! There's not even a CAPS LOCK key! I have to hold down the shift key anytime I want to shout at you, WHICH IS OFTEN. No no, I'm not shouting AT you, I'm shouting WITH you.

In an hour and 17 minutes I will be at a work holiday party in some lameass mansion. Is the mansion haunted? I vow to find out. I wonder if my coworkers will want to have a seance tonight. If they don't, I will throw a glass of champagne in their faces. Not a glass, but multiple glasses. And then I will smash the glasses and declare a war on Christmas.

I suppose the thing I need to do right now is get ready for this seance. Apparently I am supposed to wear "festive attire." What about a festive expression on my face? Will that suffice? I'll let you know in the next post. Happy Holidaze, you filthy and unbearably attractive animals!

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