continue

Read my last post. It's gonna be a lot better than this one.

A therapist would tell you that a journal is a place where you write down your thoughts and feelings. I guess, despite my best efforts, this has become my journal. Of course, I don't tell you everything on this blog, because it is not an actual journal. It is a blog. A blog which acts like a journal, but is not actually a journal. I have confused myself, I have defined myself, I have lost myself like a pair of car keys. I've run out of gas. What's the point of having keys if you can't even get the car started? Exactly.

Christmas is over, no breaking news there. I did have a good Christmas, but it's more than a relief to be finished with the holiday season... EXCEPT THE HOLIDAY SEASON ISN'T QUITE OVER!!! WE STILL HAVE NEW YEARS!!! NOOOOOOO. New Years isn't entirely awful. It's just that the self-reflection done on this day can quickly spiral into a self-loathing session, where you remember all of the mistakes you made and the promises you broke and the people you hurt and the places you abandoned. There are the failed goals, the overgrown habits, the car which is still desperately sitting in the garage, out of gas and in need of deep cleaning. And probably new tires. And a new steering wheel because wouldn't you know it -- it has no steering wheel. Where did it go? How does one just misplace a vital part of a car? You rule out the possibility of the steering wheel being stolen because who in their right mind would steal a wheel that's not there? Again, you've lost your keys.

Back to the new year. Why is it so much easier to remember and dwell on all of the failures? What about all of those mornings you woke up and got out of bed despite your best efforts? What about all of those nights where you allowed yourself to sleep, to use a pillow for a head that tries so hard to keep you up agonizing over what just needs to be put to rest? What about all of those long afternoons where the sun is placed at just the wrong point in the sky and the light keeps reminding you of all you aren't and all you still have left to do? But even though the sun mocks you, you continue to walk and you continue to continue. What about all of these moments? You did it. You survived.

So bring it on, day of self-reflection. Bring it on, 2016. Bring it on, another day. I still have lungs. I can still breathe.