Sunday, December 20, 2015


If we take off a few edges, what do we put in their place? You can't very well take off an edge without replacing it with something, right? I ask too many questions. From the very beginning, I ask a question and then another one and then nobody wants to answer any of them when they feel harassed. I apologize I have harassed you with questions, questions that don't really need an answer.

It has been difficult for me to write. For the past five years, almost six. I blame college. I am upfront with you about who I am blaming because apparently I have to blame someone or something for each of my difficulties. But to be honest, college isn't to blame. In fact, I'm not sure there is even a need for blame. I just haven't wanted to write, simple as that. If I had truly wanted to write, don't you think I would have found a way? There I go again with the questions.

When I feel bad (or anxious or sad or mad or lost) I go outside. I don't write, I don't create, I don't meditate. I step outside, with urgency, and walk. I don't have a destination. Or maybe I do? I only want to end up getting a little lost. Lost enough to where I'm forced out of my own thoughts and into what's around me. Notice the sky. Notice where the sun is. Notice the homes occupied by strangers who are somebody's lovers. Notice the way the sidewalk doesn't let you dive into a distraction. It cracks and lifts and dips in places that beg for attention. So you pay attention. You place your feet where they are supposed to go in that moment and you move forward. And I move forward. And I wander until I end up where I started, but it's a different place now. It's a blank canvas and I am bare. I have shed my skin and here I am.

So maybe I don't write that often. So maybe it doesn't matter. So maybe what matters are the ways in which I get lost and what I notice along the way to being found. I always let myself be found, but first I must let myself give up. Give up what blocks your view and you will see the moon for what it is -- perfectly round, without edges, claiming its place in the universe of things.

No comments: